


malibu nights

by renjaune



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M, Pining, Slow Burn, There's some smut too, idolverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:16:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 29,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24712225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renjaune/pseuds/renjaune
Summary: renjun starts telling his problems to a stranger because he can't get himself to talk to his friends
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, huang ren jun / to be revealed
Comments: 33
Kudos: 102





	1. malibu nights

**Author's Note:**

> [title](https://open.spotify.com/track/0Eqg0CQ7bK3RQIMPw1A7pl?si=0QXuXElMSh-7f8L7VjWL5A)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the few times Renjun's penpal doesn't tell him who he is, and maybe it should've stayed like that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as english isn't my first language, expect a lot of mistakes in here 
> 
> i made a small [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0CekEDfjKnC4jlEVWBZlEg?si=YsBiB9_GTSiUZRPDPP_l4g) for this

Renjun had been sending out emails for a while. It first started at a metro station, when he found a book that lead him to an email address. He was an idol. He didn't really get the chance to speak about how he was feeling so he thought writing anonymously to someone that didn't know him at all was a good idea. His penpal turned to be really nice and quite helpful too, so he kept sending him stuff and trying to avoid talking about his feelings in real life. What on earth could go wrong, right? A lot of things could, but he didn't know it yet.

  
  


**23yellowavatars@xxxx.com to snr2015@xxxx.com**

> _Hello, I was coming home when I found your book on the metro station. It had really interesting stuff written on the margins so I thought maybe you left it there by mistake and you'd want it back. I can mail it to you if you want to, I hate losing my stuff and it happens quite often lol. Lmk what you want me to do. I'll attach a picture so you can see that I'm not lying haha.  
>  _
> 
> _PD I know my email address is weird but I haven't changed it since middle-school so I hope you dont think I'm a psycho bc of it.  
>  _

  
  


**snr2015@xxxx.com to** **23yellowavatars@xxxx.com**

> _Hi! Sorry for the late response, this isn't my day to day email so I don't really check it that much._
> 
> _Thank god you found it! It's one of my favorite books, I always carry it with me to read a few pages when I have to wait somewhere and have noone to talk to. Did you read it? My notes are so lame haha, but I made them after reading the book a few times so I think they might be good._
> 
> _I don't really know anything about literature and all that stuff so don't blame me if you do and my analysis is bad. If you haven't read it yet, you can keep it until you finish it. I think you'd like it, everyone that has read it so far loved it, so do it if you have the time!! you won't regret it!! lmk_

  
  


**23yellowavatars@xxxx.com to snr2015@xxxx.com**

> _Is it lame that I was waiting to hear from you? I haven't started it because I've been really busy at work but I also know nothing about literature so don't worry about the notes not being good enough. I actually found it today at the bottom of my bag and thought of giving it a chance, work's killing me so maybe it'd be good to have something else to think about. Maybe I'll just quit and start studying so I can correct your notes haha, just give me a few months._
> 
> _I don't want to invade your privacy but are you from China? I saw some characters written in chinese and they were really good, so I thought you might be._
> 
> _I'll try reading the book and will let you know how it goes. bye bye_

  
  
  


**snr2015@xxxx.com to** **23yellowavatars@xxxx.com**

> _It kinda is lame... lol I'm just joking. My handwriting is so bad, all characters look the same so I don't really know what you're talking about._
> 
> _And from what I can get from your email address you're probably on your 30s so don't worry about me thinking you're being lame, aging by itself is so you can't avoid it. My only recommendation is to not quit your job and also try finding a new movie, avatar isn't that great._
> 
> _Let me know when you finish the book, I want to know what you think of the end._

  
  
  
  


Almost a month went by without him sending a response, leaving Renjun with a book filled with little notes he wasn't going to read at first, until he found it again and thought about it almost a thousand times because the plot wasn't that good either.

He had been practicing nonstop for the last few weeks in order to be ready for the comeback that was set a little after that; learning the new choreo and lyrics was stressful enough, so he couldn't think about anything else, but sometimes, when he was in bed trying to fall asleep without succeeding, he would pick the book up and read a few pages. Over the last few weeks, he started the book around four times, always reading the same pages over and over. It was in english, which wasn't his first language, not even his second one, but he tried hard to understand what the author was saying.

  
The next time he picked it up, he actually paid attention to it. It was a self-help kind of book, its author said it was fiction, but he later told the press that it was inspired on his own personal experience, Renjun had found out after searching about it online. The protagonist was having problems at home, so he decided to move away and try to start a new life, but it wasn't that easy. That captivated him. After finishing the first chapter, he decided to write a response.

**23yellowavatars@xxxx.com to snr2015@xxxx.com**

> _Hi, I was finally able to finish the first chapter today. The first few pages were so boring, I couldn't get past them for a few weeks, then I was by myself at home and had noone to bother so I tried it again and found out it was actually interesting._
> 
> _The author maybe does have some points, I mean... leaving home at a young age and having to find what you want to do isn't easy. I'll keep reading but I hope they find what they're meant to do soon bc I don't really like sad endings._
> 
> _It actually left me thinking about life too, which isn't that good because I'm kinda overworked right now and it stresses me out not to know if what I'm doing is what actually makes me happy. I don't really know why I'm telling you this, I guess it's because you don't know who I am so I don't mind being honest. But don't worry, I won't quit, I have stuff to pay and stuff to do before leaving everything behind._
> 
> _Either way, I just wanted to update you and let you know that I haven't stolen your book, I'm just taking my time to read it and actually pay attention to what they're saying. I'll write again soon if I keep finding it interesting._
> 
> _Oh, and I'm not 30 btw but you should watch Avatar, it's a really good movie. bye bye_

**snr2015@xxxx.com to** **23yellowavatars@xxxx.com**

> _I've seen it before, that's why I'm saying you have to be 30 or something to like it haha. Finish the book, and try holding on at work, I don't know what you do but it's all worth in the end (because of the results or the paycheck, either way it's always good)._

  
  


The comeback ended out being better than they all had expected. They charted pretty well and the CEO was happy with the results, so they were too. But as quickly as everything came, everything left too. That always happened to them, being the younger unit of the team wasn't a good thing, and him being chinese didn’t help either. Since the company seemed to be quite unfair with all the other chinese members that came before him, he was getting used to being mismanaged. He wasn't going to act oblivious, but sometimes he tried to convince himself it wasn't going to happen to him, partly because he didn't want to seem weak in front of the other members and also because he didn't want to believe it himself.

  
  


The book didn't help him at all, it only aggravated what he was already thinking and feeling. It turned out, it wasn't a self-help book, because those were supposed to end well, with a cliché quote that would make you feel accomplished. But no, this book was a story about how the character left everything behind and was doing good at first but then it all started going downhill, ending with a depressed protagonist working a 9-5 job that didn’t bring him any joy. 

In a situation like the one Renjun was at that very moment, that kind of ending wasn't the best one to read. He tried to convince himself and others that he was a realistic person, but when he was all alone with his thoughts, he was actually dying to find something that tells him otherwise, something or someone that could tell him that every thought he was having was nonsense, that everything would work out in the end even if it took some time to do so. 

He was tired of working twenty hours a day for the last two months, tired of not being a teenager anymore but neither an adult, tired of having no one to talk to because everyone else was having troubles too and he didn't want to bother them with his own problems **.** It was so bad, maybe he should've just quit and go back to his parents in his hometown and start again, he wasn't that old to start again after all, right?

He was frustrated, nothing there was making him feel good, so he decided to write another email to his _friend._

**23yellowavatars@xxxx.com to snr2015@xxxx.com**

> _Hi, the book was trash, it left me feeling even worse than when I started it, maybe you should try finding a new favorite book. I can recommend you some._
> 
> _Send me your address, I'll send it to you next week, I don't need it anymore._

Leaving his phone on the bed, he got inside the covers. Covering his face with them, he wished he could turn back time and never walk into the company building like he did on that first day as a fifteen year old, full of hope and eager to fulfill his dreams. 

He allowed himself to be sad that night, almost crying out of frustration, or maybe he was just too tired to properly think of everything he had accomplished at such a young age. He would have time to think more clearly in the morning, but for now he closed his eyes and thought of every little thing that could've been different.

Renjun woke up with to the smell of food coming from the kitchen. His door was open even though he closed it the night before so he scanned his room to see who the intruder was, only to find Jeno using his skin care products. 

"Oh, you're up", Jeno said without turning his head, pressing a cotton pad on one of his cheeks, "Jaemin is making breakfast and we'll go ride the bikes by the river. Do you want to join us?"

Renjun checked the time, it was almost midday, he didn't usually sleep that late but he guessed it was the stress he was under what kept him in bed for longer. 

"Not really, you always leave me behind and I'm not in the mood for that right now" he answered, turning to the other side to avoid Jeno's gaze. Jeno knew him way too much to force him to talk, so he finished what he was doing and went out the door, not without telling him _to avoid staying in bed all day, that he knew it wasn’t good for him_ before leaving him alone.

There was a new message from the book owner but he decided he was taking another nap before reading it, he remembered the impulsive message he sent them the night before and felt a bit guilty, even though the book wasn't that good, it wasn’t his place to judge it when he didn't know anything about literature, books or even life.

He knew he was overthinking a lot, in the last few months he had learned to understand a little more about how his mind worked, how to avoid feeling so low when he wasn't feeling okay. He thought of it as a talent, the talent of allowing himself to feel bad but not long enough that he couldn't possibly go back to normal. But, he asked himself, what was normal at this point? He hadn't been normal for a long time now.

He needed help, he knew it, but for now he was going to stay in bed for as long as possible, avoiding everything outside the four walls of his room.

  
  
  


**snr2015@xxxx.com to** **23yellowavatars@xxxx.com**

> _Okay, nice email to wake up to keke. Is everything okay? You seem frustrated as fuck, maybe that's why the book didn't work for you. The story is actually great but you need to be in a healthy headspace for it not to crush you into pieces. Or at least that's what I think._
> 
> _You can keep the book, I don't really need it, and I'm sure it will be better another time._
> 
> _Either way, is everything okay? How is work doing? Feel free to tell me all your problems, I've been reading some psychology books and I think I can help you keke, not really because of the books but I guess talking helps sometimes._
> 
> _PD: don't disrespect my favorite book like that when you love avatar, pls._

  
  


**23yellowavatars@xxxx.com to snr2015@xxxx.com**

> _It's nothing really, work's been better but I'm taking a few days off right now. My mind is all over the place, I shouldn't have said that to you. I guess I know nothing about what makes a book good but as you said I was frustrated, so sorry for that last email._
> 
> _Nothing's really going on atm, or maybe everything is, I don't know. I think it's all my problems coming to get me now that I have some spare time. You know... when you keep going for so long, avoiding everything that makes you feel bad and it all falls on you at the same time. But I know all these things will pass and I'll start feeling better by the end of the week. It's part of being young, I suppose..._
> 
> _But anyway... thank you for sharing your book with me, even if it wasn't intentionally. I'll stop bothering you now and try to get my shit together since I have stuff to do and people to take care off. I hope you're doing well, keep reading, maybe you'll need some of your books the next time I write to you keke. bye bye_

  
  
  
The next two months went by really quickly. The days where Renjun and the other dreamies didn't really have any schedules were all the same: they'd play games till four in the morning, wake up late, have some breakfast at noon made either by Jaemin or him and play again. Occasionally, they'd have a weird schedule or a show where they'd sing two songs and go back to the dorm like nothing happened.

After the almost-mental breakdown that he had that last time, where he thought everything was bad and there wasn’t any other good reason to keep being an idol, he decided he was going to keep his mind occupied at all times. 

He talked to Jaemin about it, he told him he was trying to find some new hobbies and the younger put his mind and soul into finding the right one for him. Bad news were he didn't find any, Renjun loved singing, reading books, and listening to music, but not much more than that. Well... maybe giving his opinion when nobody asked for it; nevertheless, that couldn't become a hobby. But Jaemin was determined to find something, anything, because the truth was that seeing Renjun looking so down was kind of depressing him too.

Besides the days where Jaemin was all over his space, showing him new recipes, trying to take him to places or simply laying by his side in bed, Renjun was by himself a lot. They had reorganized their rooms and he ended up with his own room, which was perfect to avoid any noisy member trying to get into his mind. 

All his members were quite curious at first, when he started to leave his room once a day, only to go get some food from the kitchen; they were all over him, asking him all kinds of questions, but they lost interest soon after. The truth was that Renjun never opened up, so they got tired of trying. 

Being the new hyung of the group wasn't a big deal, he’d been the hyung in the dorm since the WayV members moved away, but sometimes it felt like he needed to be more mature and be there for everyone else even if he didn't want to, even in moments like this when all he wanted to do was lie in bed. Sometimes, he wished Mark was still with them, even though he didn't live with them, but Mark was always the strong bond that kept them all standing.

He found himself missing Donghyuck a lot too, the only one that seemed to understand what he was going through, or maybe he didn't but he was there for him, letting him know that his feelings were valid, that he didn't have to be okay all the time. 

Donghyuck didn't live with them either, but every comeback he would go back to their dorm and spend most of his time there. Well... in Renjun's room. They'd play together, eat, talk about everything and even sleep sometimes. He missed how his head seemed to be made to fit on Hyuck's neck when he was trying to make him feel okay, how Hyuck’s hands ran through his back, caressing him, sometimes going a little lower than normal, like he knew what he was doing, he probably did. 

The reality was that Renjun often thought Hyuck was his soulmate, the only one that could make him feel better when everything was going to shit, and that wasn't good because as soon as their promotions ended, Hyuck was out to live with the 127 hyungs and he was left all alone again, feeling abandoned for the first days that he had to sleep by himself again. He was being dramatic, he didn't know why, but he missed Donghyuck even though he wasn't going to admit it, not in a million years. His relationship with Donghyuck was like that: half platonic, half real, both too stubborn -or too smart- to do anything about it.

  
  
  


But this time he knew Donghyuck had finished his promotion with 127 and, even though he never actually stops working, he had more time on his hands so Renjun thought it was a good time to send him a message to ask if he was free to hang out. Hang out. Both knew Renjun wanted Donghyuck to come to him and lie in bed with him and maybe have sex if the mood was good enough. It always was.

Donghyuck replied half an hour later, telling him he was playing games and that he should've called instead. Renjun told him it wasn't that important to deserve a call but Hyuck insisted, it was obvious he was talking about calling him to have sex, which was always more important than a stupid game, but Renjun acted oblivious only to bother Donghyuck, as if he was only texting to check on him. After that, he waited for the younger to arrive at the dorm, it didn't take him much, forty minutes later he had a curious Donghyuck touching everything new in his room, asking where did he get this and that.

They lay in bed for a while, not actually cuddling, but Hyuck’s hand was, as usual, caressing the small part on Renjun's arm that wasn't covered by his hoodie. He could get used to that again, but it wasn't that simple.

"You’re not usually the one who call someone to have sex", Hyuck said, with his eyes still focused on the game he was playing on his phone, "why did you call me? did you already miss me?"

It was obviously a tricky question, Renjun knew that, Hyuck wasn't interested on why he called him to have sex, because they were always craving it so it wasn't that strange, but why did he call him at all. Renjun was acting weird, and any of his friends would have realized it within the first few minutes of a conversation, but either way, he didn't want to express how lost he was actually feeling, so he lied. 

"You know I always miss you" he said, not changing his tone at all, "always dying to have you on top of me"

That was all it took to actually have Donghyuck on top of him, already kissing his neck. Manipulating a twenty-year-old was as simple as that, and avoiding conversations too, you only need to turn your friend on for him to forget the question and only think about your dick in his mouth. 

Sex with Donghyuck was great, if not one of the best he's had. Donghyuck's mouth knew every right place that made him scream, his his golden skin, covered with moles, was the only place Renjun wanted to be at every second of the day. Sometimes he felt like the only thing he needed was being in between Hyuck’s legs, making him feel good with his hands pulling his hair. The moment when his name was on Hyuck lips, between gasps and moans, was the best part of the day, or probably the entire week. 

Donghyuck was gentle when Renjun needed him to be, and rough when he noticed that's what Renjun wanted. They could read each other easily. After years of being friends, sex was just another thing to add to the mix. They cared about each other, a little too much sometimes, and the only thing that was simple was making eachother beg for more.

They lay in bed once they both finished, cuddling as always while searching through social media on Hyuck’s phone, laughing at videos the other members had uploaded. They didn't really need romantic chats after fucking, they've been talking for the last five years, silence had become their thing, being together was enough, and Renjun liked that. 

"I know you don't want to tell me what's on your mind", said Hyuck, breaking the silence again, "but you need to talk to someone. Life isn't just sex and being angry, you know, if you don't want to talk to me, try talking to someone else, Jaemin or anyone, they'd probably understand better than me, but, you know, you have us"

Silence filled the room again, and by the way Donghyuck was holding onto Renjun’s hand, it was clear he wasn’t looking for an answer. Renjun didn't really know what to answer, he knew Hyuck was being sincere, that he had friends cared for him and would probably kill to make him happy, but he couldn't get himself to talk.

  
  


Donghyuck stayed the night but was gone when Renjun woke up in the morning, leaving a message on his bedside table that said his manager called so he had to leave him earlier than expected. And that was it, he found himself alone with his thoughts again.

  
Because even if it was amazing, even if they didn't want it to be that way, sex with Donghyuck was sex followed by loneliness. He wasn't in love with him, but having someone to come home to, or vice versa, didn't sound that bad either. Maybe that was what he needed, he thought, someone that could feel like home when his own wasn't really his anymore.

  
  
That morning, lying in bed for the second consecutive day, he remembered his _friend_ and wrote him again just because.

**23yellowavatars@xxxx.com to snr2015@xxxx.com**

> _Hey, I saw your book today and thought of you. How is everything doing? I've read another book by the same author as yours and it wasn't as bad, I'll send you a link. Hope you're doing okay!_

And just like that, with a plain email that didn’t show any emotion at all, he felt himself reaching out, even if it was a person he had never met before, he didn't even knew if they were a girl, a boy, or a fifty-year-old woman, but he needed them to respond.

  
  
He made breakfast short after since the other boys weren't up yet. He wasn't in the best mood ever, but the thought of seeing his flatmates first thing in the morning didn't make him want to jump off a cliff so he thought he was getting better. Or maybe it was sucking Hyuck's dick the night before what made him be in a better mood.

Leaving the rest of the food in the fridge and a message on the Dream group chat reminding everyone that there was food there, he left the kitchen and went looking for company. Jeno's bed was always welcoming, he was the other one with a room to himself so there was always room for Renjun to crash when he was feeling like it.

Jeno’s room was nice, not as nice as his own, but nice enough. It really represented who Jeno was: bikes hanging on the walls, a computer that was still on from the night before, and the sound of a humidifier that smelled like wood.

After getting past the door and closing it, he crawled into bed and pushed him a little as Jeno had the tendency of pulling anything closer when he was asleep. And he stayed there for a while, with Jeno's head on his shoulder and his body pressed against his.

  
  
  


Being there felt peaceful, and comforting. Jeno's body was warm but not too much, which left him feeling at ease. He was shocked the first time he realised that but got used to it after a few times. It had became a habit of them: Renjun not wanting to be alone and Jeno talking in his sleepy voice inviting him to stay in a little longer every time. It never escalated from there, it was just two friends sleeping, searching for comfort on each other's arms. Well... it was Renjun searching for comfort and Jeno being more than glad to have someone to hold onto.

Renjun fell asleep on Jeno's arms once again, trying to avoid thinking, about Hyuck or anything else on his mind, and woke up several hours later, with the sun coming through the blinds and his legs entangled with his friend's.

Getting himself out of bed was hard enough when Jeno was asleep, but when he was awake it was even harder. He had never met someone that loved being in bed as much as Jeno, and that wasn't the problem, the problem was that once he had company he didn't want to be by himself, so he always ended up convincing the older to stay. Renjun had to admit that he was weak as fuck too, Jeno could ask him to do anything and he would do it without thinking it twice, just to make him happy. He was whipped, but they all were, you just needed him to smile at you for 0.5 seconds and you would be too. 

So that day, he stayed in a little longer, until both their tummies were growling for food, not talking much because Jeno, even if he could sense something was off, wasn't the type to invade someone else's privacy if they didn't say anything first, and Renjun would never give him the space to do so.

  
  
  


**snr2015@xxxx.com to** **23yellowavatars@xxxx.com**

> _Hey! It's nice to hear from you! Everything's been good, I've been working less and playing more games, don't know if that's a good thing but I guess that's part of being young..._
> 
> _The book you read is great too! not as good as the first one tho.. but I'm glad you kept reading. What did you think of the end? isn't it a bit cliché? or was it lovely?_
> 
> _Hope to hear from you soon, pls don't take ten months to answer, I like talking about books. bye!!_
> 
>   
>    
> 

**23yellowavatars@xxxx.com to snr2015@xxxx.com**

> _I think it's cliché, but everyone's always a fool when they fall in love, so maybe that was his reason to act like that. Have you ever been in love? oh, that's deep, you can avoid answering that one. I've been a fool before so I can't blame him, but god, man, just act faster or you'll end up alone for the rest of your life._
> 
> _About the writing, I'm not an expert but I think it was better than the last book, I did some research on him and it said that the first one I read was his first published book so maybe that's why. I don't know. Maybe in ten years he'll be finally be able to write a masterpiece keke i'm just joking._
> 
> _So you're young, but young or illegally young? That kinda worries me. Sorry._
> 
> _Keep reading, I'll do the same. bye bye._

The thought of his new  _ friend _ being a minor terrified him. He knew Jisung, who  had been a minor till a few months ago, but what if this  person was way younger than Jisung ? No, that couldn't  be it , to be younger than Jisung meant they wouldn't be able to work, so they were definitely someone his age or older. That brought  him some peace of mind, but he  needed to be sure .

He re-read the message he  had just sent, feeling like he  had  exposed himself too much but it was  already too late to do anything about it. Maybe the other person w ould just ignore that and only answer how old they were. He wasn't that lucky.

  
  


**snr2015@xxxx.com to** **23yellowavatars@xxxx.com**

> _ lol, don't worry, I'm legally an adult and also a he,  _ _ I haven’t told _ _ you that before. If anything of that bothers  _ _ you _ _ or makes you uncomfortable, feel free to stop sending me messages, I understand. _
> 
> _ about the love stuff, I don't have much experience with break ups but I have seen friends go through a few so I'm not looking to  _ _ go _ _ through  _ _ it _ _ myself keke.  _
> 
> _ what did you do? to act like a fool, you know... I love reading stuff like that, or maybe you can tell me anything you want, try writing something, like an essay, and I'll rate you, we'll see if you're better than my favorite book... I'll just give you a spoiler: you _ _ ’re _ _ probably  _ _ not, _ _ but I'll read it anyway _
> 
> _ hope to hear from you soon, bye _

Renjun was happy to know that he wasn't a minor, but that last email got him thinking about exposing everything about himself to this random dude. Well... not whole, he would never admit he was an idol  from one of the most famous companies in the country, but he could tell him his story, and what he was struggling with, changing it a little bit in case he knew  him in real life and could connect the dots, his email address was enough of a hint if he knew he was an idol. Renjun decided to tell his  _ friend _ everything before his mind could realize what he was doing.

  
  


**23yellowavatars@xxxx.com to snr2015@xxxx.com**

> _ I've told you before that I'm struggling at work. I've been with this team for a long time now, and we are kind of having problems, not within the group but with our bosses. They over-work us sometimes and don't give us anything to do the next, so I'm starting to get frustrated. And even though  _ _ everyone in _ _ my team is in the same position as me, they don't seem to mind, or at least they don't show it. _
> 
> _ On the other hand _ _ , it's not really like I need the money and can't quit because of it, but I studied a lot to be where I am and I don’t feel like my efforts are paying off. I don't know, it's just that sometimes I wish someone would tell me i'm doing great and give me what I feel like I deserve. I don't want to be portrayed as arrogant either, _ _ you know. But it feels just like _ _ when you study really hard for a test and then you go and get an amazing grade only to come home _ _ and have nobody there to _ _ cheer you up for it. _
> 
> _ And what's worse is that i'm getting frustrated and doubting if i really love what i'm doing when i know i do, but i'm tired. I just want to find something else to do and start feeling good again. I haven't left my bed in what feels like days, I wanted to find a new hobbie but couldn't find anything worth spending my time on. I don't know what to do, man, and it's  _ _ driving  _ _ me crazy. And, to be honest, it's even crazier -or not- that I'm telling you this instead of someone I know, I should be able to talk to real people, but I feel like I can't anymore, I'm scared of being exposed, even with friends. _
> 
> _I hope one of your psychology books has an answer for me keke, sorry for ranting too much, but you asked for it. bye bye_

  
  
  
He sent the email and left his phone on the desk, with the screen facing down. It had been months since he'd spoken to someone else about his feelings, and this situation absolutely terrified him. Leaving his phone there, he left his room to go find anyone that could keep his mind occupied, only to find Jaemin and Jisung both laying on Jaemin’s bed. There wasn't a reason for them to be together on the same bed, other than Jaemin always being way too clingy. Jisung had had to give up trying to make Jaemin stop after just a month of sharing the room.

Renjun sat on the computer chair that was further away from them, trying to avoid being dragged to bed. He asked what they were doing, which only brought weird looks from his friends, but it was Jaemin who spoke first. 

"Not much, do you wanna do anything? maybe leave this prison of a house we are in?", he was excited that Renjun was giving him any attention at all, the older could see it in the way his mouth was trying not to smile, but his eyes were giving him away.

"I don't know, I don't feel like having to hide from anyone and I'm not looking that good either"

He hadn't left the house in days and hadn't even bother ed to shave or brush his hair for like a week, because when the only people you see everyday are your friends and a 60 year old  _ dorm aunty _ who's like your grandma, that i sn't strictly necessary.

"Oh, c'mon. You always look astonishing, you know that", Renjun rolled his eyes at the  terrible  attempt of a compliment Jaemin  had just  made , "but we don't need to go anywhere. We can just go to the rooftop and  breathe  some  fresh  air. Jisungie, are you coming with us?

And just like that, they were out of the dorm and  into the elevator  heading  to the rooftop. There wasn't many people on their building so they would be by themselves there. The first thing Renjun noticed when they left the elevator was how clear the sky was, he hadn't seen the sky in days, and maybe that was what was killing his mood.

They sat there, their feet hanging over the edge as the wind blew on their hair. Overlooking the city from that rooftop, he could, for a moment, forget everything that was on his mind. But not for long, he was with Jaemin after all.

"So.. I'm gonna ask you because none of the others will. Is everything okay? I mean... I know it isn't, but I want to know what's keeping you from sleeping at night"

Jaemi n’s gaze was fixed on the horizon, even if he wasn't going to avoid the problem, he wouldn't add more pressure  by also looking at him .

"Nothing is", Renjun answered but but by Jaemin's frowning face he could tell he didn't believe him.. Jaemin had been there for him since the very start. Every single time he needed to be taken care of or wasn't feeling good, Jaemin was there to make sure he was okay and to help him keep his life together. And this time wasn't an exception. Jaemin knew him way too much, he knew when he was feeling down and wasn't afraid of pushing his buttons in order to know what was going on. 

"It really isn't that important" he tried to convince Jaemin, and himself too.

"It is if it's keeping you from leaving your room", Jaemin insisted, but Renjun didn't answer, he just sat there looking down, avoiding anything that could show the younger any hint of sadness, "Renjun, I'm not telling you this to bother you, I'm just worried. You haven't left your room in days"

"I went to Jeno's to sleep a few times", Renjun interrupted.

"That doesn't count, you know that. I also saw Hyuck leaving your room. Why are you still doing that? You know it isn't good for neither of you". Jaemin was right, it wasn't good for him, but fucking Hyuck was the only good thing at the moment, and he wasn't going to give that up.

"We are just having fun, Jaemin. What do you want me to do? Go find someone else to fuck in the real world? You know we can't do that. Yes, we have history, but we are trying to ignore all that and just focus on what we are doing at that very moment.”

His voice was exposing him like a see through glass, you could hear in his tone everything he wasn't saying out loud. Jaemin knew Renjun was tired and overwhelmed and he didn't blame him, but he was just trying to keep him safe.

"It's okay, you know what you're doing. Just be safe, Renjun, I care about you both, but more about you. You know how bad it can get, you saw me deal with all of that, I don't want it to happen to you too"

"I know", Renjun answered, leaning his head on his friend shoulder, "and I also know that you see right through me, even if I try to hide what I'm feeling. It's just hard to talk about it, you know... I think I'll be able to do so soon"

"Yeah, I know... just breathe and don't try to find a solution for everything, sometimes there isn't one. Sometimes you just need to let time take care of things"

Jaemin took his hand out of his pocket and offered it to Renjun, who held it interlocking their fingers.

He held his friend's hand a little tighter than usual. Not that he held it that often either, but he wanted to let him know that he knew the younger was rooting for him, that he knew he was there even if Renjun was too stubborn to let him see what he was really feeling. 

"I'll be here when you're ready to talk"

"Thank you" Renjun added, with his eyes filled with tears, not really sure if the tears came from knowing that his friend cared too much about him or simply because of the wind that was hitting his face. Either way, both of them were the only ones that knew everything they had gone through this last few years and it felt good that they weren't alone in this.

  
  
When he went back to his room that afternoon, there weren't any messages from his _friend_ , so Renjun started to worry. He didn't know why, but for the first time in forever he had exposed his feelings to someone else and they didn't even bother to reply. It sucked. He decided he wasn't going to try to talk to people anymore. So that's what he did, but he couldn't keep it for long.

And after only three days of acting miserable, he had to pull himself together. 

They had to go to a music festival across town so he had no choice but to leave his bed and take a shower. He really needed it. At this point, there were moments where he found himself wondering why he was being so dramatic, it wasn't a big deal after all. 

But it was a big deal, it was his future on the line, it was him doubting about what he should do with his life, if he'd like to keep working on what he'd been doing for the rest of his life. 

He knew that was what he wanted, but he felt like he didn't know how to do more, how to go beyond the point where he was stuck in.

Once he was presentable enough, he went to the kitchen where the others were having breakfast. They all looked at him as he crossed the door, and he could see how shocked they were, but the look in his face told them that giving their opinions wasn't a good idea. 

They didn't have makeup on yet, and even if his bare face wasn't that different, he knew he had eyebags for days and his usually tanned skin was paler than ever. He looked a bit dead, but it was nothing the stylists noonas couldn't fix before seeing their fans.

  
  
It's not easy trying to be an adult, Renjun thought. His tea was getting cold but he was busy watching the other members fight over something from the snack bar. They were at the event and their task wasn't difficult at all: they just had to perform a few songs and they'll be back home in the blink of an eye. 

He just sat there, with Jisung by his side, who had been on his phone since they left the dorms and hadn't left him alone not even when he excused himself to go to the bathroom.

Taking a sip of his not-hot-enough tea, he looked at Jisung, who kept playing his game acting like he wasn't aware of his gaze. Renjun laughed at him and Jisung raised his eyes only to meet the other's. 

"What?" Renjun asked in a nicer tone than everything he had said that day. Jisung was his kid, he could never treat him badly for something he didn't do.

"Nothing, Hyung, you laughed and I thought you were laughing at me", he answered and tried to go back to his game but Renjun took his phone just in time. Renjun knew him too well to believe his lie but he wasn't trying to cause a scene, so he looked straight into the maknae's eyes, letting him know to keep his voice down.

"What?", he repeated himself, "you haven't left my side all day, what do you want? I'm not buying you anything if that's what you're after". Jisung laughed.

"I'm not trying to get you to buy me anything, I just like being by your side, you know that"

Renjun looked at him, suspicious, but the younger one limited himself to go back to his game, not before inviting Renjun to play a game with him. 

  
  


They spent the rest of the morning playing games, sometimes against each other, sometimes on the same team, but neither of them was good so they ended up losing most of the time.

  
  
Once they were inside the van that would take them home, he was trapped between a sleeping Jisung and the window. He turned on his music and leaned his head on Jisung's head, which was already on his shoulder.

He opened his inbox not expecting  a reply, but this time there was one.  He opened it immediately , not bothering  to check his surroundings. Jisung was sleeping really deep ly so he didn't think it twice.

**snr2015@xxxx.com to** **23yellowavatars@xxxx.com**

> _Hi! Sorry for taking so long to answer your email, i was just reading some more books to be able to help you better keke i'm just joking, but i wanted to give you my honest feedback so i really thought about it and time went by._
> 
> _It seems like they don't give you enough opportunities, right? so that's what's bothering you. I don't really know how you can fix that, the only thing i can think of is asking your boss if they could give you more than what they're giving you atm. But maybe they aren't that easy to confront? I never confront people so I don't know if I could do that but you probably have character to do so, I mean... after all you told me my book was trash without even knowing me so…_
> 
> _About your teammates, maybe they just have other ways to express their frustration, like doing something outside of work which you don't notice because you're not with them all the time. Did you express how you're feeling to them? Maybe you all think the same thing and can create a project or sth to present to your bosses._
> 
> _It seems like you love what you do, whatever that is. I love what I do too, and wouldn't want any of my friends to quit out of frustration. You studied a lot for the position you're in right now, so just keep holding on for a while, maybe it'll all start to work out soon._
> 
> _Also, I guess finding a new hobbie isn't easy? I don't have that many either, I just spend all my time playing games. I'll attach a list of the games i loved last month so you can try them and see if you like any._
> 
> _It's not crazy that you're reaching out to someone you don't know, I actually find it reasonable if you don't like showing how you feel to people. Help is help, bro, even if it comes from a young boy who knows nothing about life._
> 
> _My non-professional advice to you is simple: leave your bed for at least two hours each day (when the sun is out, not at midnight), and do something, anything at all, try asking a friend to go out or something. Have all your meals, I don't know you but I'm pretty sure you'll be losing some weight after all those hours in bed, and shower (not everyday, I don't even do it on good days, but do it often)._
> 
> _My psychology books are sending me warnings, but I won't tell you because you probably already know that. You seem intelligent enough to know that what you're feeling is valid, but you can't continue like this for the rest of your life. You deserve to feel okay._
> 
> _Wow, i wrote quite some stuff, take care, keep me updated, play some games and eat good food._

Renjun was happy to read his response, he’d be lying if he said he wasn't. Over the last few days, his _friend_ was all he could think about, even if he didn't really know him, he was opening up and there was someone who was willing to listen.

  
**23yellowavatars@xxxx.com to snr2015@xxxx.com**

> _Thank you for answering my email, I was starting to think I scared you with all my loud mental breakdowns keke. I appreciate your advice, I'll try playing some of the games on your list, but I'm not good at games so I can't promise I'll like them._
> 
> _About my team, maybe you're right, I haven't been paying attention to them to even know how they're feeling and that also makes me feel like shit. I know they care about me because they're constantly showing it with their actions but I don't do anything back. I think my mental state, and my personality, are trash at the moment._
> 
> _Either way, thank you and I hope you are doing great. Is there anything bothering you? Let me know, I'll find an answer for you (but not on psychology books, they're way too advanced for me). bye bye_

  
  
  


**snr2015@xxxx.com to** **23yellowavatars@xxxx.com**

> _Oh, I'm happy to hear that your friends care about you, you deserve it! You seem like a nice dude. And the games are good, try playing them, I'm not good either but you just need practice to get better, we can play online if you want._
> 
> _About me... well... i don't know. I don't work an usual 9/5 job, so it's hard to relate to people sometimes but I really like what I do so I don't mind. And about my life... I've been thinking a lot these days, I mean.. way too much. It's just that I don't know if I like what I like, I've been trying to figure it out for a while, hopefully I'll find an answer soon._
> 
> _I don't know, I have way too much stuff going on in my head right now, like... it's stupid, i know... but i think i'm falling in love with my best friend and i can't help it?_
> 
> _Maybe you have some experience or maybe you can just tell me to not do that, anything would work for me. The worst part is i don't really know if i'm in love since i haven't been in love before, have you? byeeee_

  
  
Renjun finished reading it and was happy to know he wasn't the only one struggling with life. The thought of him falling in love again made him nauseous, after all that had happened last year, he promised himself to avoid falling for someone at least for the next five years. He decided to tell his _friend_ about it, it wasn't advice but maybe he could take his experience and apply it into his own life.

  
  


**23yellowavatars@xxxx.com to snr2015@xxxx.com**

> _Hi, I know I just said I wasn’t going to talk about my love life but I know how you're feeling. I've fallen for my best friend before and it didn't work out but maybe yours will. I'll tell you my experience, but try avoiding everything I did if you don't want to end up in bed for days, as I am right now._
> 
> _I fell for him first, way sooner than I should've had, he was just too pretty for his own good, his hair was the perfect shade of light brown and his skin like the golden sun that reaches your window every single morning. He was just like that, every morning he would crawl into my bed and wake me up only for me to hold him and fall asleep on my arms._
> 
> _ When I realised I was falling in love, I didn't want to  _ _ think about it. I thought _ _ it would go away after a few days but it didn't and  _ _ it _ _ started to break me apart.  _
> 
> _When you see someone you think you're in love with every single day of the week, it's actually hard for the feelings not to spread all over your body, and I'm quite small, so the feelings reached every single corner of my body in a matter of days. I started seeing him with different eyes, treating him like I didn't know him, it was stupid, I know, but I didn't know what else to do. I reached a point where, if he'd crawled one more time into my bed, I would've had just kissed him, and that's exactly what I did._
> 
> _After the first few weeks, I thought he was the love of my life, we were so happy together, he was amazingly beautiful and I couldn't believe he'd chosen me over all those other boys who were dying to be with him. I felt completed, it was a new feeling and I liked it way too much. That was one of my mistakes, you don't need anyone to complete you, I didn’t know that before but I do now, even if I'm still trying to convince myself._
> 
> _Luckily we both felt the same way, so we kind of got together, but as easily as it came, it also went away. We were, and still are, too young to be able to understand what we were doing, we started hurting each other without even trying so we decided to break things up._
> 
> _ The only piece of advice I can give you right now is to keep your friends close, they'll support you no matter what, even if you don't want them to. And if the one you're in love  _ _ with  _ _ is in the same friend-group, just keep your feelings and your friendship separated. _
> 
> _ I've been frustrated about that relationship for the last four months, and all my friends have been checking on me since then. I know it's not the best thing to do, it's not that good to bother them because you can't put yourself together, but sometimes it takes time, and sometimes you make wrong decisions and  _ _ your friends _ _ will be with you every step of the way if you let them. _
> 
>   
>  _ You are young, don't stress too much about it. I'd say confess, but check where you're standing first. Does the other person feel the same? have they ever acted on it?, think about things like that. And if they're your best friend, they'll probably understand and stay by you even if  _ _ your  _ _ feelings aren't mutual. _
> 
> _Let me know what you decide, bye bye_

And just like that, he exposed one of the biggest secrets  in his life  to that day, one of the things that  had  kept him from sleeping, that  had  made him write songs and tear up the pages of his diary right after.

It was late when Renjun  sent  the last message, so he  assumed his _ friend  _ would be working since he said he didn't work the usual 9-5. He wished for a fast response, but he knew he wasn't getting one, so he went to bed instead.

  
  


His bed was big enough to fit two people, that was why everyone always crashed on it when they wanted to chat till the morning. His black bed sheets were clean, just fresh out of the washing machine, smelling like a mix of lemon and lavender. Jaemin had changed them the day before because _that's a good way to clear your mind too._ He had been such a good friend, trying at the same to avoid getting too emotional because he knew that wasn't the way into Renjun's head. Once the covers were clean, he fixed Renjun's bed, and filled it with some plushies he had stolen from all over the house, Jisung and Jeno weren't happy about it, but they let it slide.

He lay there for a while, surrounded by plushies that were bigger than him, and started to think what would his _friend_ think of his story, maybe he shouldn't have told him all that, maybe he was just looking for some encouraging words and Renjun just crushed his hopes. That was his habit: to overthink everything after just seconds of doing it, and the worst part was that he would’ve never admitted it to anyone, not even to himself. And how can someone get over something when they aren't even being honest with themselves.

That was it,  overthinking got him on his feet, across the hallway and into Jeno's room. He decided to knock, since it wasn't that late yet and didn't want to  interrupt  him in the middle of anything, Jeno answered right away, voice raspy and low.

"Can I come in?" Renjun said, peeking his head out from behind the door. Jeno was already in bed, glasses on the tip of his nose, reading a book with a lady on the cover. He opened  the covers, moving away to invite Renjun in.  Taking that as a yes, Renjun walked across the room  with his  phone in one hand and an alpaca plushie in the other.

"I brought you this" he said, referring to the plushie, "I'm not giving it back tonight but I'll leave it here in the morning. Jaemin stole it from you, right?". He knew that already, but deep in his heart he wanted Jeno to say that he  purposely  gave it to Jaemin. Renjun didn't usually share his feelings, but he was a sucker for anyone that showed him any type of affection.

"Yeah" Jeno answered, bringing his glasses to the top of his nose, without taking his eyes off the book, "he asked if I had something that could cheer you up, you know  how he is , and I gave  him  this one because you always hug it to sleep"

"He's cute. I mean the plushie, not Jaemin" Renjun laughed, his friend was cute too, but not as cute as the alpaca with  cute eyes and cute smile and cute legs . "What are you reading?" he asked, "I tried reading some books but can't find anything interesting"

"It's a short novel, nothing fancy, quite good to read  since  you don't need to think much about it", Jeno closed the book and showed him the cover, "I can lend it to you tomorrow if you want, I'm close to the end"

"Oh, okay, I can't promise  I’ll like it, but I'll tr y" Renjun answered and turned around, hugging the alpaca and the cover of the bed too. “Are you going to sleep soon?", he asked with his eyes already closed.

"You're coming into  _ my _ room and asking me to stop doing what I'm doing because you want to sleep?" Jeno laughed, he wasn't mad, it was the usual when having Renjun  over .

"No, I mean, you can keep reading, I don't want to bother you". Renjun's sanity was hanging by a thread, and Jeno noticed it. He could read him as easily as the book he had on his lap, that was why he closed it without thinking it twice and turned the light off while getting inside the covers.

"What's going on?" Jeno asked.

His attempts of getting anything out of Renjun only came at night, when he felt the older was weaker. Renjun turned  around , laying on his back, looking for comfort in the sound coming from the humidifier whose scent  had been recently  changed and now smelled like jasmine. 

"Are you okay?", Jeno tried again, moving his hand slightly through the bed, intertwining his pinky with Renjun’s. That was the easiest way  he had to show affection, and the only one Renjun would accept as long as he was awake.

"I'm not", Renjun said in a voice so low he hoped Jeno couldn't hear. The younger held onto his finger a little tighter, encouraging him to keep talking about it. "But I don't know how to express what I'm feeling yet"

Jeno curled  up beside him , making himself smaller than his hyung, which was quite hard considering their height difference, and put his head on the crook of Renjun's neck. 

Over  the last few years leading to this very moment, Jeno had learned a lot about how to approach Renjun ,  who always looked like he was about to lose it . Dealing with him was hard but sometimes, in the intimacy of his room, Renjun opened himself up and Jeno was trying to make sure that this time he wasn't going to run away.

"You know you can tell me anything, I'm just worried about you", he stopped for a second, trying to find the right words  not to overwhelm the older. Renjun was just like that, he had to think every little thing he said. "And you've told me before that you felt like your heart was broken but were working on it, did you do it?"

"A little". Yes, Renjun told him that, and then proceed ed to fuck the  _ love of his life _ almost ten times  more , that couldn’t be considered  actually working on it.

Renjun could feel Jeno's  breath  on his shoulder, the hands of the younger strongly gr abbing his arm as a way of saying  he wasn't going to leave.

"I've started talking  to someone" he said, and Jeno stopped breathing .

"Oh, that's good" Jeno said, slowly drawing circles in his inner arm, "who?"

"You know how we sometimes get back home by metro?", Renjun asked, trying to find the right words not to sound like a maniac, "I found a book a while ago, and it had an email address written on it so I thought the owner would want it back and messaged them"

"You found a book, and you contacted the owner, okay..."

"Yeah, so he told me I should read the book first and give him my opinion, which I did and we have been messaging each other since then"

"So how's that talking to someone? you're only talking about books, what I meant was talking about  your  problems", Jeno said, showing in his tone that he was sceptical  about the whole situation.

"We started talking about books and then other stuff came up and we started talking about it.. you know... about work and life" 

Renjun knew what was coming from the way Jeno was holding onto him. Jeno would never scream at him, but he was sincere when he needed to, and he was about to be.

"You told this person about your love life? and your work?", his tone was still calm, but you could feel the frustration he exhaled. " _He,_ if he's even a he, can be anyone, Renjun, please tell me you've been careful enough not to give you away"

"Yes, Jeno, I'm not a kid, I know what I'm doing", but did he? that was the real question. "I've been keeping my identity safe and acting like I work on a regular company and don't sing songs about chewing gum for a living"

"Okay, okay", Jeno tried to calm him down, "I'm just saying you should be safe, you don't know who they could be and I don't want anything bad to happen to you"

"I know" Renjun said, before turning to his side, grabbing Jeno's hand and putting it around him. Still holding the alpaca plushie, Renjun felt overwhelmed but a little bit safer than other nights. He felt Jeno's lips kissing his nape, trying to make him know that everything was okay, but Renjun didn't know if it really was, or if it will ever be.

  
  


It was the first night in forever in which he fell asleep before 5am, only to be woken up by the maknae shaking his foot. He opened his eyes and tried to see what he was doing there, standing  with his grape pajamas  on .

"It's four a.m", Renjun said, voice almost inaudible to  avoid waking Jeno up, "what are you doing here? are you sleepwalking again?"

"No, hyung, I'm not. But I c ouldn 't sleep  so I went to your room and couldn't find you there so I came here"

"What do you want?", he repeated himself, not believing Jisung would actually come to wake him up just because he was bored, but he knew he wasn't going to fall asleep again, so he moved Jeno's hand and left the bed. "C'mon" he said, pushing the maknae through the room and into the hallway.

"What do you want to eat?" Jisung asked a mad Renjun, who was still trying to get his brain to work again after that thirty minutes nap. Renjun was used to taking naps all the time to avoid overthinking, and everytime he woke up, his temper was even worse than before. It never worked, but he kept trying.

Jisung was still standing there, waiting for an answer. 

"I don't know, I'm not hungry, Jisung, you just woke me up in the middle of the night". 

He wasn't angry at Jisung but himself, the situation was getting out of hand and he was starting to doubt if an email from a stranger could help him at all. He was sure it couldn't, but he wasn't ready to do anything about it either. 

"I'm not cooking anything if that's what you woke me up for"

"Agh, stop, can a maknae live?" Jisung said, curling his lips towards a smile, "I woke you up because I wanted your company"

"Don't be so sentimental" Renjun answered, trying to seem like it wasn't a big deal but with the biggest of smiles on the inside.

"Oh, and on that sentimental topic, I bought something for you today when we went to the mall with Jaemin, I left it on your bed when I was looking for you earlier"

"You bought me a present?" Renjun asked, you could hear how moved he was by the sound of his voice. Even if the idea wasn’t his but Jaemin's, it was always nice to know that they thought of him when they were out.

"Yep, it's on your bed”, he turned around and took some boxes off the cabinet, “Cereal's about all I can make without anything weird happening in here"

"Cereal sounds delicious"

  
  


They ended up sleeping on the couch after watching Frozen for the eleventh time. Nights with Jisung were always like that: they would eat anything that could be made in seconds, watch Frozen or Avatar, and fall asleep on the couch, too lazy to go to bed until the sun would invade the living room and they'd be obligated to retreat into the dark of their rooms to sleep till midday.

When the sun went up that morning, he went back to Jeno’s room because his phone was still there and continued sleeping there, since Jeno wouldn’t let him go away that easily. He didn’t check his phone till midday, until they woke up again with Jaemin jumping on the bed because he wanted to go biking. 

When Renjun finally checked his phone , what he found wasn't a good sign.

**snr2015@xxxx.com to** **23yellowavatars@xxxx.com**

> _I think I know who you are._

And just like that, his whole life came crashing down. His heart started beating at a pace that could kill an elephant, his hands too cold to properly function. He probably turned pale because when he raised his eyes, his friends were both looking at him. 

That was it, it was probably the media, or a sasaeng that knew he was going to take that train home that day. And he fell right into the trap. It was all his fault. He initiated the conversation, too blind to see what a terrible idea it was to send them an email in the first place.

He had outed himself, of the closet and also his relatio nship with Hyuck even if he hadn’t said his name. They co uld connect the dots themselves. He told them he wasn't happy with how the company was treating him, which could end his and his friends ’  careers. Jeno was right after all.

He didn't know what to do. He was too scared to do anything that could worsen the situation, so he just did what he  knew best: go to his room and crawl into bed and lie there, hoping everything would  be fixed on its own . 

  
  


A week went by at the blink of an eye. Renjun hadn't left the room at all and hadn't used his phone either. He was trying to avoid any contact with the  real  world, as if his problems wouldn't be there anymore when he decide d to be bac k.

Jaemin would come once a day, ask if he needed anything, only to be screamed at and  forced  to leave. Luckily, he was also too stubborn to be bossed around by the older, so he kept bringing him food and snacks and stuff to do.

Jisung showed up the day after he received the email, worried sick but trying to hide it. He knew something was off but didn't say anything, only asked Renjun if he would like to join him on some game,  but R enjun said  _ no _ and he went away.

  
Jeno brought his alpaca plushie back to Renjun's room, left it on the bed right next to him and caressed Renjun's head. He sat there for a while until the older fell aslee p, being the only one who could suspect what was happening,  he didn't ask any questions.

During the last two weeks, Donghyuck texted him a few times without response, but Renjun  had always been like that after all, so he didn't worry, but then Hyuck called him three times in the lapse of an hour and Renjun realised  the best way to make it stop was just by answer ing the call. They had  a schedule together the next day, so Hyuck was wondering if he wanted him to sleep at his. Renjun declined the offer, and that was his first mistake.

Forty minutes later, a knock on his door woke him up from his sleep. It wasn't late but, since he wasn't able to sleep at night, he had been taking naps all through the day. That was one of the reasons he said no to Donghyuck: it wouldn't be good to have insomnia next to someone else. He was better sleeping, or not sleeping, by himself. But he wasn't that lucky.

He tried to ignore the  knocking, the door wasn't locked but he knew the other members wouldn't enter or care if he didn't respond, so he hoped for them to simply go away. But he heard the little crack the door  always  made when it was being opened.

The room was dark, only a little Moomin lamp was on, right to the window on the other side of the room. He tried listening to the steps on the floor, to see who was the one stepping into his room.

"Injunnah", Hyuck said, keeping his voice low and soft, while he sat on the side  of the bed  he wasn't occupying. Of course it was him, he never  took  a  _ no _ for an answer, and he walked too fucking loud ly for him not to realize , even if he hadn't spoke n .

Either way, Renjun acted like he was asleep, trying to convince Hyuck to  simply  go away, but after a few seconds, he heard his shoes kicking the floor, and  felt  him laying beside him. 

Renjun was on his side, not facing the younger, he didn't have the will to ask him to leave, neither to turn  around  and do something about it. But Hyuck did.

Donghyuck turned on his si de too  and cuddled him. He placed his hands on Renjun's chest and held him tight.

"I know you're up", he said, without  raising  his voice, with his head resting on the older's shoulder, "and I know you're not okay".

Renjun didn't answer, he just hel d onto  Hyuck's hands and pulled him closer.

"Everyone is worried about you, you know," Donghyuck continued, "and when you said _no_ to me, that was a bad sign" Donghyuck was half serious, half joking, Renjun knew he was trying to face the truth without making him feel worse than he already did, "it's okay to not be okay all the time"

"I know, I just want to sleep"

And just like that, he fell asleep, with Donghyuck pressed against him, hugging him as if his life depended on it. Renjun always felt safe with Donghyuck, even after all that happened, and at this point he didn't know if it was a good thing, but he didn't have that many options either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, I want to know who do you think his penpal is? the media? some other member? someone he actually doesn't know?
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/_renjaune_)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/_renjaune_)


	2. pink skies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> renjun found his soulmate, but he lost himself half way through

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isn't fully edited yet so, as i said before, expect a lot of mistakes here, but i wanted to update it so i'm posting it anyway  
> and thank you [berry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/berryboys/pseuds/berryboys) berry for editing the smut part, i'm so sorry i made you go through that 
> 
> i adjusted important events to match with my narrative. so ignore the fact that there's stuff that irl happened before or after the moment i say it does
> 
> i made a small [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0CekEDfjKnC4jlEVWBZlEg?si=YsBiB9_GTSiUZRPDPP_l4g) for this
> 
> [title](https://open.spotify.com/track/6BZ6pl5bczDc3cMF1kBaOy?si=qM0n6F54T4aeU_Qikg_0sA)

It was 2015 when they first met each other. Renjun entered the company for the first time and met all his soon-to-be bandmates. The truth was, Renjun was scared. He knew he could speak korean to communicate properly but he was afraid of not fitting into the group that had been already on the making for a while. It was nonsense, he knew that now, but when you’re young and only starting to shape your personality, being the new one in a group can be quite stressful. 

But things weren’t as hard as he thought. He met the other members and tried to get to know them little by little, avoiding looking like he was trying too hard.

Even since the very first day, when he met Jaemin at the stairs, they became quite a duo. Jaemin was still promoting as a rookie with Jeno and Donghyuck, and sometimes Renjun felt like there wasn’t a place for him there, only to go back to the dorms and be overwhelmed by the amount of attention both boys gave him on a daily basis. That was his life right after he joined the company: they would train, sing, eat and then go back to the dorms to try being regular teenagers. 

On the other hand, he was first introduced to Donghyuck on a hallway, where the younger just bowed and ran at the speed of light because he was late for practice with the hyungs. It was funny though, because of all the boys he had met till that moment, which were almost everyone, the only one that got his attention was the brown haired boy that had only said like two words to him before running away. 

Renjun’s ended up training for almost a year before debuting, and when the time of their debut finally came, he was part of the group as if he had been there from the very beginning. Renjun loved his bandmates, the whole group was great, they were always supporting each other. And even if Mark and Donghyuck were working on two units at once, they always made sure to show how happy they were to be in Dream too. It started to feel like family, and Renjun liked that. 

It was a family, yes, one could say that. They were just like brothers, all living in the same place, playing games till four in the morning and sleeping all together in the same bed when they were too tired to go to their own. And it felt normal, until it didn’t anymore. 

It all started between comebacks, when they were just training and living a regular life. They would go to the company everyday, train for a hours -sometimes too many- and go back to their dorm to do whatever they wanted. Renjun started reading. He was too bad at playing games and, since he hated losing to his friends, he changed hobbies. It was chinese books at first and then turned to korean books since he was trying to improve his writing skills. But reading by itself was what brought Donghyuck’s attention. 

At sixteen, Donghyuck was just a loud teenager, always laughing or pulling a prank on someone, and Renjun couldn’t stand that. Sometimes, just sometimes, he just wished Hyuck would go back to his dorm for silence to come back to his. 

They always played games on their phones, all laying on the couches that filled their living room, screaming at each other while throwing bombs to kill enemies -and sometimes themselves. So when Renjun decided games weren’t his thing anymore, he just moved into his shared room to have some peace of mind, but it didn’t last long. 

Donghyuck entered his room the second day Renjun didn’t show up in the living room to play, asking why he had a book on his hands instead of his phone.

“You know... there is this thing called reading,” Renjun teased the younger. 

“I know, but books are never more entertaining than games.” 

“Yeah, sure.”

“Do whatever you want, we are starting a new round in a bit,” Hyuck said, before leaving the room. 

The next day, he came back, and the next too, and that kept happening for a whole week. Donghyuck kept coming back to tell Renjun random stuff to get him back into playing, saying he couldn’t win without Renjun on his team, which was obviously a lie. 

Renjun had been through two books by the end of that week and was finishing the third when Donghyuck entered the room once again, a box in his hands, telling him the mail guy had just rang the bell. He stood by the door while Renjun opened his package: another book about space, this time with some pictures in it. 

“You’re spending all your money on books?,” Donghyuck asked, getting closer to see what the older had just received. 

“Yes, we’ve talked about it. I don’t care if you don’t read. You can keep spending your money on food and computer games and I won’t tell you anything about it, so don’t come at me.”

Renjun tone was a little stronger than usual. He was petit and quite cute, but his personality definitely didn’t match his outside. He had spent months, after debuting under the _pure-boy_ concept _,_ trying to prove everyone he was more than that.

“Okay, you can keep spending all your money on them, but don’t come asking for mine when yours is over,” Donghyuck laughed, both knew he was much more careless with his money than Renjun.

“Sure, don’t worry,” Renjun opened his book to resume his reading, “close the door after you leave please.”

“Agh, c’mon,” Hyuck’s knee was already on Renjun’s bed, “I’ll keep you company while I play, yep, sounds like a good idea.”

That day Donghyuck got into Renjun’s bed for the first time, starting what the others would call _the renyuck ritual_ , that was just them, hanging out in bed, their heads on opposite ends, one playing while the other read, and talking just a few words every evening, keeping each other company. At the end of the day, or sometimes in between games, Renjun would update Hyuck on how the book was going and Hyuck would tell him how many kills he got. It was nice. Renjun was happy that the younger had learned to shut up for once and let him read, even if it meant having Hyuck’s feet right by his face and his bed smelling like Hyuck’s cologne by the end of the day. 

Getting to know Donghyuck wasn’t hard at all, he was an open book ready to let everybody in. If you gave him the chance, he would talk about his life until the morning, telling you all his secrets. That left Renjun shocked, it was crazy how different both were, but their energies matched too well not to be friends. 

Renjun had been reading tons of books on space, energies and astrology by the time the next comeback arrived. He wasn’t sure if he believed in it completely but it was too interesting to avoid analysing his friends.

So, while they trained for the release of their music video, Renjun limited himself to observe every single one of his friends, or at least that’s what he thought he was doing. He observed how everyone acted when they thought noone was looking, how they interacted with other members, with the staff and with other girls. Some of his friends were too good talking to people, it was insane, he thought, he could never talk, especially to girls, as comfortable as they seemed to be. 

It was too late when he realised he had mostly been watching Donghyuck the whole time. He tried to convince himself that it was because Hyuck didn’t live in the Dream dorm, but Renjun was just turning Donghyuck into a mystery he wanted to solve. 

Donghyuck, now Haechan, was one of his dearest friends, but he didn’t know him as well as he knew the others. And Renjun had changed his mind. Now, after weeks of seeing each other only at the company, he wished Hyuck could live with them, missing the times where he would invade Renjun’s space and leave it all smelling like cheap cologne.

There were times where Renjun would _unconsciously_ wear a hoodie and _unconsciously_ post a picture wearing it on his private account, waiting for Hyuck to start the conversation, to say it was his. 

Renjun started using excuses when Jaemin started to ask questions about it: that he thought it was his hoodie, which was obviously not true since his own was half the size of the one he had on, that it was comfortable because it was bigger, that he didn’t have any more clean ones, and a ton more that could be as easily debunked. Luckily for Renjun, his friend didn’t ask any more questions. 

As the comeback got closer, they got to spend more time together again. For the whole time, the only moments they spent apart were while taking showers or when Hyuck had a schedule with the hyungs, but he would be back next to Renjun in a matter of hours. 

And when Renjun started to know more about Donghyuck. He was no longer the loud, noisy teenager that used to stress him out, he was now the one that understood that part of Renjun that until that moment needed to be left alone. 

Falling in love with Donghyuck took him years, or maybe admitting it did. By the time Jaemin came back to the dorms after his hiatus, Renjun’s life was already a mess. Before Jaemin left, they were still kids, playing and bothering each other out of boredom, kids that didn’t know much about life either. But when Jaemin returned, happy again and with _a boyfrie_ _nd,_ everything turned into chaos. 

Jaemin’s love life became the subject of every reunion, even between the hyungs. The first ones to know about it were Renjun and Jeno. Jaemin as too ashamed to tell anyone else, not because his boyfriend was a _he_ , but because all the others were still acting like kids and would ask too many awkward questions about it. 

So, yes, Jaemin had a boyfriend, not a big deal, sure, but did Renjun like boys too?. He had been thinking about that for around two months. Jaemin had assured him that it wasn’t a bad thing to like boys. But Renjun was pretty sure it was bad, if the one that got him contemplating the possibility of liking boys was one of his best friends -and not even his cute best friend that had every single girl at school after him, not that one, but the really weird one that invaded his bed every time he had the chance-. 

And of course it was Jaemin who asked him about it, after only a week of being back in the dorms. It was half out of jealousy because Renjun wasn’t paying him as much attention as before, and half out of real curiosity. 

“Why are you wearing perfume?,” Jaemin asked, while lying in bed next to Renjun.

“I’m not,” Renjun answered, he really wasn’t, “maybe it’s the new humidifier, we changed scents last week.” 

“Renjun, I’m not dumb, it doesn’t smell like that.” 

Jaemin’s head was on Renjun’s shoulder, while the older was re-reading one of the first astrology book he bought when they moved to the dorm. 

“I’m not wearing perfume, Jaemin, I would tell you if I was.” 

Renjun sounded mad, why was his friend asking that, as if it was weird using perfume. 

“Then who have you had that often on your bed, to leave it smelling like them?.”

Jaemin was pushing Renjun’s buttons, he already knew the answer. Jaemin had been always into scents and used to smell everyone every once in a while, so he absolutely knew who it was, but he was looking for Renjun to say it himself. 

“I see what you’re insinuating. Haven’t you ever had your friends over?,” Renjun didn’t even raise his eyes from the book, he wasn’t going to fall into Jaemin’s trap. 

“I do, but they don’t put on perfume right before entering my bed only to leave it smelling like them”

“He’s for sure not doing that. Stop making scenarios up, you’re delusional. And you’re on my bed now, are you trying to leave your _mark_ on it too?.” 

Jaemin laughed at how mad Renjun was getting. 

What the hell was Jaemin insinuating. Donghyuck was a regular eighteen-year-old, he didn’t put on more perfume on purpose, it was just to cover up the fact that he went to the Dream dorms without even bothering to take a shower after practice, and didn’t want to smell _that_ bad. Yeah, that was probably it. 

But that night, Renjun found himself thinking about it. And everytime he tried to get himself to think about something else, his mind would go back to the way Donghyuck would smile at him from across the practice room when they were taking breaks between songs. Or the way Donghyuck would brought him food even if Renjun said he wasn’t hungry because he had sen it in the shops and remembered how much he liked it. Or that morning, when Donghyuck woke up just to text him a _good luck_ text at 9a.m, because Renjun had to go to the doctor for a check up. Donghyuck probably did that for everyone, he was a nice dude after all. 

It was already two in the morning, Renjun had been up for way too many hours, that was probably what was making him think that much about it. 

But the screen on his phone lit up, and Renjun had to check who it was. 

> _fullsun:_
> 
> Hi! are you up? i have a favor to ask 
> 
> _renjun:_
> 
> I am, what’s up?
> 
> _fullsun:_
> 
> It’s just that a friend told me all her stuff and
> 
> wanted to know what you think of her birth chart
> 
> You can answer in the morning, I know you sleep early

Donghyuck was really sending him a message at two in the morning for him to analyse his _friend_ chart. Renjun was not doing that. 

> _fullsun:_
> 
> I’m gonna send it now, just let me know what you think 

Renjun ignored the message again, but after staring at the ceiling for ten minutes, he decided to do it. He wanted to know who Donghyuck had been talking to. Because Donghyuck was his _friend_ , he could talk to anyone he wanted, and Renjun was just trying to be sure Donghyuck was being careful. 

Getting the birth chart wasn’t the hard part, reading it was. And not because Renjun didn’t know how, but because what he found out wasn’t as good, or bad, as he hoped it to be. It turned out that _she_ matched perfectly with Hyuck’s birth chart, but he didn’t want Donghyuck to know about it, so he wasn’t going to tell him if Hyuck didn’t ask first. 

> _renjun:_
> 
> here’s my analysis, i’m not a pro so 
> 
> take it with a grain of salt
> 
> she seems nice
> 
> [.doc]
> 
> _fullsun:_
> 
> thank you baby
> 
> you’re always the best 

_Baby_ , Renjun re-read that ten times before turning off his phone screen. How can he be calling him baby while talking about another girl?, Renjun noticed he was starting to get jealous of a girl he didn’t even know. Or did he?.

God, he was going crazy, but he had to check online for her birthday, to see if it was anyone he knew, and he should had known it wasn’t a good decision. It didn’t take him much to see who the owner of the birth chart was, he knew her, he had known her for a while now. God, what was he so jealous of, Donghyuck was his _friend_ , and he was allowed to go out -or even date- anyone he wanted. 

His phone screen lit up again:

> _fullsun:_
> 
> yeah, she’s nice

And Renjun lost it. God, why was he so jealous?. 

Renjun used the next week to be with Jaemin, _who had missed him so much_ , but had to see Donghyuck a few times too. Renjun wasn’t angry at Hyuck but himself. All those new feelings he discovered he could have were chasing after him at full speed, and he didn’t even know how to run. 

And everything was going as smoothly as it could go, until it was friday night and Renjun was already in bed while the others were playing games on their computers. He heard the front door being opened, assumed it was just the manager coming in after work, but it was Hyuck and Mark, who were coming from the 127 hyungs dorm. 

They had had a small gathering with some friends, Renjun knew it because they had been talking about it on the dream group chat earlier that day. Mark asked if anyone wanted to join but they all decided to stay in because they had schedules the next day. 

What Renjun didn’t know was that _she_ was joining the hyungs that night too, but he found out soon after, while going through social media. Of course it wasn’t public, but in the private accounts they all had, Donghyuck had updated his story, and he was with her. That was the real reason why Renjun was in bed that early. Renjun saw that while he was with Jeno and Jisung, having some pizza for dinner, so decided his jealousy was too much for him, so he went to bed as a way to make it go away. 

After a minute, a knock on the door scared him up. Donghyuck opened the door without waiting for an answer, and both Mark and Hyuck came in, asking if anyone wanted to join them since Mark was going to play the guitar in the living room.

Renjun was mad, one could clearly see it on his face, but he put the nicest smile and excused himself, alleging he had woken up too early and was almost asleep when they arrived. On the other hand, Jisung accepted, after they kicked his chair as he had been playing games with his headphones on and hadn’t even realised they were in the room. As expected, the maknae would never say _no_ to an opportunity to be with Mark. 

Renjun fell asleep shortly after they left the room. Jisung’s computer was still running but he was used to its sound. What he wasn’t used to was Donghyuck, who had just entered the room again. Renjun opened his eyes and checked the time on his watch.

“It’s three in the morning, what do you want?,” he asked, scaring Hyuck as he thought the older was still sleeping, even after the noise he made by barging into everything that was on his way.

“I’m just going to sleep,” Donghyuck sat on Jisung’s bed and started to untie his shoes. 

“This is not your room, Hyuck, go to your room.” 

“Jisung wanted to sleep with Mark so I’m sleeping in his bed tonight.” 

As his shoes kicked the floor, Donghyuck stood back again and opened the closet Renjun shared with Jisung.

“I want pajamas, I can’t sleep with my jeans on,” he said, going through everything that was hanging in there, “oh, I like this one.” 

“Hyuck…” 

“What? They’re so cute and soft, let me wear them.”

 _Shooky yellow_ pajama set on his hands, trying to persuade Renjun with some _aegyo_. They were way too small for him, and they were also freshly washed, so Renjun didn’t want to share them, but Hyuck’s pout was asking him otherwise. 

“Are you drunk?,” Renjun asked. 

Sober Donghyuck was weird enough, but the one that was standing before him was on another level. 

“Maybe.” 

With the computer screen light on, Renjun couldn't see much, but Hyuck’s cheeks were too red not to notice them. 

“God, okay, wear them, and go to sleep,” he added, turning the other way to let the younger change in private, as if they hadn’t seen each other naked before. 

“Are you awake?,” Donghyuck asked, five minutes after he had finally got into Jisung’s bed. 

“What do you want?” 

"Do you like me?” 

“I don’t, Hyuck, why?” 

The thought of Hyuck knowing everything he had been thinking that last week scared Renjun a little too much. 

“I don’t mean _like like_ , but you ignored me all week. Is it because I’m better at dancing than you?” 

Donghyuck was joking but he was also drunk, and Renjun could tell by the tone of his voice that he was hurt. Renjun had never intended to hurt Donghyuck, he only wanted to get the younger out of his mind, and the only way he found was by ghosting and ignoring him as much as possible. 

“Hyuck, I still like you, don’t worry about it, but stop drinking too much,” he said, moving in bed as to tell Hyuck the conversation was over. 

“That’s good, because I like you too,” Hyuck added, his tone softening with every word he said, “even if you don’t dance as well as me.” 

Renjun woke up to his alarm the next morning. He had set it earlier to be able to have breakfast before leaving the dorm, but what he hadn’t counted on was that Donghyuck was now in his room and he had woken him up too. 

“Is it nine already?,” Donghyuck asked, face still covered by Jisung’s pink sheets. 

“It’s only eight, go back to sleep.” 

Renjun, trying not to wake him up all the way, picked his stuff up and went to the bathroom. He crossed paths with Jeno on the hallway, who smiled at him but Renjun was pretty sure was still asleep. 

Renjun washed himself, watching his bare face in the mirror, wondering when would he start to look like an adult. Sometimes that made him self-conscious, when he compared himself to the others who were all growing up and getting broader. He did some skin care too as he tried to make all those thoughts go away, and then went to the kitchen after some jasmine tea. 

Donghyuck was sleeping again when Renjun got back into his room, he tried to put the covers over Hyuck since they were now on the floor. He was all over the bed, face down and with his hands under the pillow. Renjun couldn’t help but laugh at him, the pajamas the younger begged to wear the night before were way too small for him, it looked like he was wearing a crop top and some booty shorts. 

Trying to avoid looking at Hyuck’s legs, Renjun walked past him and got into his own bed. But Donghyuck was awake once again, sitting in bed as he fixed his hair, trying to get himself to fully wake up. He observed Renjun, who had tea on one hand and a book on the other.

“You can sleep for another hour,” Renjun said after checking the alarm clock that was on his bedside table. 

“I know,” Donghyuck left his bed and got into Renjun’s without even asking first, “that’s exactly what I’m going to do.” 

As simple as that, Donghyuck curled himself into Renjun’s side, hugging him and resting his head on Renjun’s chest. It was so easy to be like that, but Renjun could hear his brain starting to overthink over the small acts of affection Donghyuck was showing. Renjun didn’t like that, not if they came from a boy who wouldn’t like him back because he was into _pisces girls_. 

“Hyuck,” he touched the younger’s head with the book he was reading, “go to your bed, I can’t read.”

“No.” The _aegyo_ voice Hyuck was using let Renjun know he wouldn’t be able to win over it. 

“Okay, I’m leaving if you don’t,” Renjun said, already leaving his book by the bed to be able to push himself out of it. 

“No, c’mon,” Hyuck stopped him half way, tightening the grip he had around Renjun waist, “stay with me for a while.” 

And Renjun did. 

The next conversation Renjun had with Jaemin was in the bathroom next to the practice room they always used. He had been sitting on the counter for ten minutes, trying to calm his thoughts to avoid crying, when Jaemin opened the door looking for him. Practice had ended twenty minutes ago and they were all going home, he wanted to know if the older was staying longer or not. But his words disappeared when he saw Renjun’s face. 

Renjun didn’t usually cry, only over sad songs or movies, but never over real life problems, if what he was going through counted as one. 

“What’s going on?,” Jaemin asked, closing the door behind him and locking it to avoid any unwanted visitors. He stayed there to give Renjun some space.

“Nothing,” as always, Renjun favorite answer. 

“Yeah, sure,” Jaemin took some tissue and handed it to Renjun who rejected it. 

“I’m not crying.” 

“It looks like you are, Renjun, what’s going on? Donghyuck was looking for you before. It’s him, isn’t it?” 

The silence coming from the oldest was enough of an answer but Jaemin waited for one either way. 

“Donghyuck called me earlier, asked if I could help him with something later. And I said _yes,_ because I haven’t learnt how to say _no_ to him yet.” 

“And why is it a bad thing? It’s just a favor, I do you many favors every week.” 

“You know why.”

Renjun’s voice cracked, he was so close to tears, the only solution he found was looking up to avoid them going down his cheeks. 

“I just can assume.” 

“Then stop asking.” 

“Renjun, liking boys is not a crime, I thought you already knew that,” Jaemin’s voice was too soft, and Renjun didn’t like that. 

“Don’t talk to me like a kindergarten teacher. I know that’s not a crime, that’s not why I’m a mess right now.” 

“Then why?, talk to me for the first time in your life.”

Renjun was mad but not at Jaemin, he knew the younger was trying to help, but Jaemin had no idea what Renjun was going through. Yes, Jaemin had a boyfriend, great, but his boyfriend wasn’t an idol, and he actually liked him back. Renjun couldn’t believe he had to explain all that to Jaemin, but they were way past the starting line to stop now. 

“You know how you started asking me about his hoodies before you went away, and I kept coming with the dumbest excuses. I didn’t know at the time, I just thought I really liked him because he was my friend and we spent way too much time together.”

“Yes, those excuses were terrible.” 

“Don’t interrupt me or I’ll stop,” Jaemin closed his lips and threw the key away, “Well… as you know, time started to go by and we kept talking a lot and in the last few months we had been talking like 24/7 and I think I fell for him.” 

“Oh.. okay.”

“Yes, and I didn’t wanna force him to like me or anything. I don’t even know if he likes boys. But I couldn’t keep talking to him anymore, not like that, so I started ghosting him.”

“An absolutely mature decision, go on.”

Renjun rolled his eyes but continued anyway.

“So I ghosted him and the other day, when they came to the dorm and Hyuck was a bit drunk and slept on Jisung’s bed, he asked me if I still liked him and I said yes and he said that he still like me too,” Jaemin gasped, “yeah, I know, but it’s not what you think. I’m pretty sure he was asking if I was mad or something because I hadn’t been answering his texts.”

“Ohh...”

“And the next morning, I woke up earlier and when I was in bed again drinking tea he crawled next to me and asked me to stay with him,” Renjun crossed his legs, “and I know he is this nice with everybody but it actually destroys me that he doesn’t feel the same way.” 

“But, Injunna,” Jaemin got closer to him and wiped his tears, “how do you even know he doesn’t like you?, did you ask?, because the only thing I’m seeing is you overthinking the whole situation. Maybe he feels the same way.” 

“He doesn’t.” 

“You don’t know that.”

“I do, because the other day he asked me to analyse a birth chart at 2a.m and told me the owner _was nice_ , and then, before telling me he liked me too, he was at the 127 hyungs party with her. And if that’s not enough for you, this morning he asked me to cover for him by telling his manager that he is with me tonight while he goes out with Yeri.” 

And, for once, Jaemin didn’t have anything to say. 

The next time he sees Donghyuck is because Renjun is a fool.

Renjun covered for him and asked to give him a call when he was coming back to the dorm as he was already tired and wanted to go to sleep. Hyuck accepted and promised the older he wouldn’t drink that night, even if Renjun hadn’t say anything about it. 

Renjun fell asleep after being in bed for what felt like hours but was probably thirty minutes, they had been practicing all day so his body couldn’t stay awake any longer. 

His phone rang waking him up and Hyuck’s face showed up on screen. He was wasted, which was obvious because he wouldn’t chose to facetime him instead of just giving him a call at four in the morning. 

“Are you home?,” Renjun asked, eyes still half closed. 

“I am, but I can't remember how to put the code in.” 

Renjun could see how much he had drank that night only by the look in his eyes trying to see Renjun through his screen; he had started the night with glasses on, as the picture he sent Renjun earlier showed, but didn’t have them on now. 

Renjun abandoned his bed and went after him, who wasn’t even at their floor, but at the front door of the building. 

When Renjun got off the elevator, he saw Donghyuck through the glass gate. He knew he was fucked up when, even in that state, he found Donghyuck absolutely beautiful. Yes, his glasses were still nowhere to be seen, and his cheeks were absolutely red, looking like he had just ran a marathon. Donghyuck was always like that when he drank, he looked like a kid just off the playground, but he was still as handsome as he was with a tuxedo on walking down some random red carpet. 

As Renjun opened the door, Donghyuck waved at the taxi driver who he assumed had taken him there and was waiting for him to safely enter his house. 

“Did you just wave at the taxi driver?” 

“Yes, Renjun, I have manners.” 

Before getting into the elevator, Renjun shared an angry look with the guard, not getting why he hadn’t let Donghyuck in if he already knew him. Renjun was about to have a conversation with him to make sure he wouldn’t talk about anything he had seen that night, but he heard Donghyuck pressing every single button inside the elevator, so Renjun didn’t have other choice but to run inside it. 

When the elevator door finally closed, Hyuck was resting on one of the walls, his forehead against the mirror, talking to himself. Renjun laughed. It was bizarre. Of all the members, Hyuck had chosen the one that was in love with him to cover for him. Didn’t he have other friends? Jeno would had happily done it, well… he wouldn’t, but why on earth did he have to chose Renjun?

Luckily, Jisung wasn’t home that night. They all planned it so well that Jisung had gone to Chenle’s for the night, leaving his bed to Donghyuck.

Renjun visited the kitchen while Hyuck cleaned himself up, and got some stuff to help Hyuck avoid being hungover the next day. After picking some water and snacks, he went into his room and found Donghyuck sitting on his bed. 

“What are you doing on my bed?,” Renjun asked, leaving everything he had brought from the kitchen on the bedside table, “c’mon, this is your bed.” 

Renjun felt like he was talking to a puppy and, to be honest, Hyuck quite looked like one. He was now barefaced, cheeks still red and the ends of his hair wet from washing up. He had put on the same pajamas he used the first time and Renjun made a mental note to hide them better next time. Either way, Hyuck was there, laying on Renjun’s bed as if it was his own, and he looked like he was waiting for Renjun to join him. 

“Get into bed and turn the light off, c’mon,” Hyuck said, already under the covers, offering his hand out as an invitation. 

Shit, he was waiting for Renjun to join him. 

“You need to drink some water before sleeping,” Renjun started to get into Jisung’s bed instead and turned the lights off, “and stop drinking so much, it’s not good for you.” 

“Renjun?,” Hyuck said after a while.

“Yes?”

“Sleep with me.” 

Renjun didn’t answer, hoping Hyuck would just fall asleep out of exhaustion. 

“Please,” he begged, “just for tonight.” His voice was so soft Renjun would had done anything he’d asked. 

“Just for tonight,” Renjun repeated and got into his own bed. As he started petting the younger’s hair, he promised himself that was going to be the last time he would let himself fall for Hyuck’s charms.

Renjun didn't sleep that night. He went through almost all seven stages of grief. He couldn't believe anything that happened that day, from almost crying with Jaemin in that ugly ass bathroom, to Hyuck sending him his _cute outfit_ for the date and him having to say he looked good -cause he did, but it didn't matter now-, to having him drunk in his bed, looking for comfort on Renjun’s arms. It was insane, no nineteen-year-old should go through it. Renjun sometimes forgot he was still a teen, and that stuff was supposed to happen. 

It was nonsense that Hyuck would like her. Yes, she was nice and really pretty, and older than them, but her personality didn't match with him at all. And Renjun was ignoring the fact that she tried to date Jeno a while ago, only to find out they weren't good for each other and break things up. How could Hyuck go out with her when she dated one of his best friends?, Renjun couldn’t understand it. It was, like, crazy. Why would you want to date, and possibly fuck someone that had been already with one of your _best_ friends.

But that one wasn't really the thing that bothered Renjun the most. Even if he was trying to avoid thinking about it, his mind always came back to the same point: how could she make Donghyuck laugh if she didn't even know what he liked. Well... maybe she did know, but she could never be as good as them together.

After some stalking on social media, which showed her happy with friends, Renjun started to think maybe he was wrong. Of course he was jealous, he didn't have any problem admitting it to himself, but she didn't deserve any of the stuff he was thinking about her. After all those years reading books and trying to understand a little better how life worked, Renjun would had just assumed it all came as easily in practice, but it didn't, and he found himself feeling guilty of all the stuff he was saying. She was her own person and could do whatever, or whoever, she wanted.

But why did he have to be in that position? Of course he wanted to be a good friend to Donghyuck, he would do the same for any of the others without even thinking it twice, but this time it was different, and he was angry at how he handled everything from the very beginning. He should had said _no_ to Hyuck and avoided all this. If Donghyuck had asked Jaemin for help instead, that would had been so much better.

Because even like that, even if Renjun was momentarily happy with Donghyuck sleeping deeply between his arms, he knew it would never last. They would wake up the next morning, chat a little and go back to their regular lives as if it didn't happen. And to Hyuck it didn't matter, but it did to him, way more than he would have **liked it to**.

He decided he would start working on letting Hyuck go. As soon as they woke up the next day, he would avoid the younger at all costs or at least try to not let him into his heart -and his bed- anymore. It wasn't something easy. They were friends, and sometimes they lived together, so avoiding someone you see everyday can get very tricky. But he was going to be strong, and _maybe_ ask for help, and finally get Donghyuck out of his head.

Too bad for Renjun, he never got to the stage of acceptation. 

When they woke up the next morning, Donghyuck wasn't next to him anymore. Renjun breathed fresh air for the first time in what felt like ages, and pushed the covers away as they smelled like Hyuck’s _now expensive_ perfume. He also took the top of his pajamas off, trying to get rid of any hint of Donghyuck he had left. But it wasn't that easy.

Donghyuck got back into the room as Renjun's head was facing the pillow, trying to resist from screaming. At least the pillow didn't smell like him, _because he spent the whole night on my chest,_ Renjun cried to himself.

"Wow, you're already getting naked, thought we were talking it slow," Donghyuck said, sitting on Jisung's bed, clearly joking.

"Shut up," Renjun voice came through the pillow, which distorsionated the sound, but Hyuck could hear he was pissed.

"What?," he said, now lying in bed, but Renjun wasn't going to answer or talk to him, at least not as frustrated as he was at that very moment. "Oh c'mon, I'm sorry," Hyuck added when he realised he wasn't getting anything out of his friend, "I know I said I wasn't drinking and arrived wasted, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I don't mind," Renjun sighed, "you can do whatever you want as long as you don’t get caught."

"Yeah, it was all Yeri's fault, she left me by myself and went home with Hyunjin."

Renjun stopped breathing.

"You went out with her and she left you for someone else?" Renjun mocked him.

"Yes," Hyuck tried to explain himself, "we all went out to try to get them together, and we succeeded."

"What?" Renjun was shocked, he couldn't believe what he was hearing. For the first time in the conversation, he breathed fresh air, physically but also mentally.

"Yeah, after you told me she was nice, which I already knew, but science is science, you know, I told Hyunjin about it and we planned it out."

"You almost woke me up at two in the morning for me to analyse a birth chart that wasn't even for you?"

Donghyuck lifted his shoulders. It wasn't something that strange if you thought about it on a regular friendship. It was Renjun who got too into it and almost ruined everything as his jealousy took the worst of him.

"Okay, so did it work? I know Hyunjin, he's an aries so I don't know if it'll last."

"It did, they left together and I stayed with Ryujin for a while until we both decided to go to sleep because we were too wasted to keep drinking. And I was about to fall asleep there but remembered you were waiting for me so I came back."

Yes, he was waiting, and Hyuck wanted to come to him.

"So I took a cab and came back here, but don't worry, no one saw me." Renjun knew that was probably a lie, Donghyuck wouldn't notice someone looking at him while sober, much less drunk.

"Okay, let's hope nothing comes up in the next few days. Have you taken any meds? Your head's probably still spinning."

"I did take some after running into a worried Jaemin in the hallway. He said he heard me last night when I was talking to myself in the bathroom," Donghyuck laughed and Renjun forgot for a second everything he had been through that last night. "What are you going to do today? do you have any schedules?"

"I don't, I was planning on sleeping all day since someone kept me from sleeping last night."

"Aghh, don't be so dramatic. I would do the same for you."

But would he?

They decided to spend the day together as neither of them had any schedules, and even if Renjun tried to avoid the plans at first, he realised it was impossible for Hyuck to accept a _no_ for an answer, so he begged Jaemin and Jeno to join. At least, with their company, it wouldn't feel like they were having dates all day long.

They started by having breakfast in a small café they had found down the street with Jeno, who was still in his pajamas and hadn't bothered to look presentable. Renjun and Hyuck were in nice clothes because Donghyuck had promised a selfie to their fans and wanted to look good for them. Hyuck always looked good, Renjun thought, and even more on days like this, where the sun was out and shined through his bright hair, walking down the street as if the world was his, because maybe it was. But Renjun limited himself to take the pictures without saying anything else than a few directions, after all he wasn't as professional at it as Jaemin.

Even if he had complained at first, Renjun had missed mornings like that one, where all of them would sit together and just spend some time in silence, too tired to properly form any sentences but enjoying each other's company.

They went back to the dorms and purposely dressed all in comfy clothes to avoid being recognized, and most of them covered their heads with beanies to avoid bringing attention to their bright hair colors.

Jaemin joined them later when they went to the Han River for lunch. He had made them a picnic basket full of snacks and sandwiches, and had spent an hour making it pretty _just for them to enjoy_. But the best part was the apple juice bottle filled with wine Jaemin made sure to hide at the end of the basket. They would just lay there under the sun, eat some nice food and have a good time.

The picnic was going perfectly. Renjun was feeling fine for the first time in days, until he started to feel Jaemin's gaze on him, but the younger acted oblivious everytime Renjun's eyes asked him what was going on. Renjun’s phone vibrated on the pocket of his sweatpants instead.

> _jaeminna:_
> 
> Do you know the whole story now?

Renjun fixed his eyes on Jaemin's, trying to see what he was talking about, only to receive another text. Their friends were in their own worlds to see what was going on between them; Hyuck had been sleeping for half an hour with his bucket hat covering his face and Jeno was a few meters away, playing with some dogs that came his way to play, after one of the owners gave him a ball. 

> _jaeminna:_
> 
> He told me the plan when I texted him last night, 
> 
> and asked me if you were still awake, 
> 
> waiting for him at the dorm.
> 
> _jaeminna:_
> 
> I said I didn't know, that you were probably asleep.
> 
> _jaeminna:_
> 
> You were crying for no reason keke
> 
> _jaeminna:_
> 
> I mean, almost crying
> 
> _renjun:_
> 
> He still doesn't like me, thanks for the reminder.

Renjun gave Jaemin a condescending smile, he couldn't understand how Jaemin still didn't get what was going on. Jaemin was his best friend after all, the one who should be able to read his mind like an open book. Renjun just wished Jaemin would drop the situation for once, he always tried to play _Celestina_ between their friends, and it never ended good, it never worked. 

But Jaemin did exactly what Renjun needed, not what he wanted, and he took Jeno back to the dorm when the sun started to set, saying he was getting cold and didn't want to leave by himself. Renjun offered himself to escort him home, but he knew Jaemin wouldn't allow it so he stayed there with Hyuck who claimed was _too suffocated_ to go back. The truth was, even by that time, Hyuck was still hungover as fuck, and the fresh air helped a lot.

Half an hour later, they were walking by the river, and Renjun couldn't take his eyes off the horizon.

He had always been a sucker for scenery, he always took mental pictures, and sometimes real ones, of every nice view he saw to be able to draw them later. He had walked this path hundreds of times, with almost every single one of his friends, and everytime he would find something new, something that made him feel that, even when he was feeling like his world wasn't moving, the real world was, it was constantly changing, and he was too.

But even if the view was pretty, the day was a coming to an end and Renjun started to feel empty. It always happened to him, as the sun went down and darkness started to rise, it would start to fill him too.

He usually took it to his advantage though, using the feeling to write lyrics on the small notepad he always hid under his mattress, or to draw something on the new ipad he had bought a few months ago. But that day, he wasn't sure why his insides weren't becoming black but purple. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that the sky was turning pink and he was watching the sunset next to Donghyuck.

After the sun had finally set, they stopped by a small bench next to a convenience store. They had decided to sit there and have some food, as if they hadn't been eating until an hour ago. Donghyuck went into the store while Renjun waited, with the breeze running through the parts of his hair that weren’t covered by the beanie he had on. He picked his legs up and covered them with his hoodie. Thank god he had stole one of Jeno's that day and it was big enough to cover him whole. He placed the hood over his head too, and waited for some hot food to warm him up. By the time Donghyuck came back, hands full of snacks and ramen, Renjun’s hands had started to get numb.

"Sorry, there was too many people in there. I even had to run to another aisle because a little girl was looking at me and I thought she was about to recognise me."

"Maybe she just thought you were cute."

"Oh, definitely, but maybe she thought I was too cute not to be on a worldwide known band."

Renjun rolled his eyes as Hyuck handed some food over to him, still in the same position as before, only the hand that was holding the chopsticks peeking out of his hoodie.

“You look drunk.”

“I am, I shouldn’t have drank that wine Jaemin brought. After last night I should be drinking water for a week straight. But your eyes are sparkly too, as they always get when you’re tipsy.”

“I’m not drunk,” Renjun said as he put some more food into his mouth. 

“I know, I know, you are always the _correct_ one.” 

Renjun was a little tipsy, and maybe that was why he couldn’t think of anything else but Donghyuck noticing how _sparkly_ his eyes were _,_ not knowing they always turned like this when Donghyuck was by his side.

"I like being like this," Donghyuck broke the silence once again, "it feels like I am twelve and don't have to care about anything at all."

"You care about things?," Renjun mocked Donghyuck.

“I care about you.” 

Renjun took it as a joke, and hold a little tighter onto the small pot where the ramen used to be, still warm for a few more minutes.

"Do you like what we are doing?"

"What we are doing?," Renjun wasn’t sure what was he talking about, "I like being an idol if that's what you mean. Don't you?"

"I do, but I was talking literally, what we are doing right now."

"What are we doing?"

"I don't know."

Renjun's mind was spinning a lot, not really sure what answer was Donghyuck expecting. Yes, of course he liked what they were doing: eating and talking, all by themselves. That was nice. What he didn't like was the bigger picture: Renjun hiding his feelings and Donghyuck being too into his own world to see how his best friend was feeling. No, he didn't like that, so he lied. He could’ve kept lying for as long as the night lasted.

"I like that you paid for this food and that you're being quiet today."

That was the only answer Renjun was able to come up with. He wasn't ready to ask the hard questions, but not because of the questions, but because of the answers that could come out of Donghyuck's mouth.

"Nice," he said, "I like buying you food and making you happy by not talking."

Renjun smiled. Donghyuck had been always like that, he had always tried to make Renjun happy not matter what, sometimes at the cost of his own happiness too. The night wasn’t going that bad after all, and there were times like that where loving his best friend didn't hurt as much.

But it couldn't last long, because if they weren't home by nine, the managers would kill them and they weren't ready to face the consequences. They still took their time on their way back though, walking with the river on their right and the yellow lights on their left.

Not too long after they started walking, Renjun felt how Donghyuck held his hand, intertwining their fingers. Renjun let it slide, it was normal behavior of the younger. But then Donghyuck took their hands to his mouth, and kissed the back of Renjun's.

And he didn't know if that was _normal_ , the only thing he knew for sure was that he was utterly in love with his best friend.

The next morning, Renjun woke up by the sound of Jisung turning his computer on. It was only 11am and he was already playing games, smashing the keyboard and stressing Renjun out.

Renjun reached out to the dream group chat, asking who wasn't playing games and was willing to accept him into his room, and Jeno offered his bed, saying he was already out on some schedule.

So Renjun went to Jeno's room only to find Donghyuck sleeping there. The blinds were slightly open and they let some light on that went straight to Hyuck's bareback. He stood there, not really knowing what to do. He knew that if Hyuck heard him, he would ask Renjun to join him, and Renjun didn’t want that. Well… Renjun really wanted that. if he could only, just for once, not think about his well being and enjoy the moment. Maybe Renjun could let it slide one more time and then forget about it, forget the stupid crush he had on his friend, forget how Donghyuck always asked him to stay, forget how he kissed his hand last night, forget-

"What are you doing?," Donghyuck asked, ending the rambling on his head.

"Just wanted to sleep," Renjun was still standing right by the door, scared that if he went in, he wouldn't be able to go back, spiritually and physically, "Jeno said that his bed was available."

"It is," Hyuck moved away the plushie he was hugging seconds ago, "come here."

"I don't want to."

"Are you going to make me beg you?, because I won't."

Donghyuck went back to his original position, laying on his stomach, acting as if he was ignoring Renjun, but turning his head a few times to see if the older had moved. He hadn't.

"Why does everything have to be so hard with you?"

"I don't know," it was still morning so Renjun's voice was still soft, "I'm working on it."

He really was, but he also wanted to lay with Donghyuck. He wanted it so bad. 

Renjun got closer to the bed, picking the plushie between his arms, acting as if he was just observing the room, and that was all Hyuck needed to pull him to his side.

"It’s okay, I'm not that easy to be around either," Hyuck said, putting one of his legs over Renjun, who was now lying right next to him, Donghyuck's whole body pressed against his and head on the older's chest, as usual.

"That's not true, you are really nice," Renjun stopped, he wasn't going to compliment him without adding some teasing to the mix, "at least until they get to know you."

"I'm always nice."

Donghyuck looked at him, pouting his lips, and Renjun couldn't help but laugh. Donghyuck actually believed he could get away with anything by just pouting his lips, and maybe he was right. But not this time, because Renjun just sighed and closed his eyes in an attempt to end the conversation.

And it ended, for only thirty seconds. 

Renjun's mind was all over the place again, thinking about the moles on Hyuck's back, which he was now circling with his thumb, and about how the sun reached his honey-like skin. God, it was so cliché. Everyone that had met Donghyuck had said the same thing about his skin, about how beautiful it was, and here he was, stupid as always, thinking the same thing as everyone else.

"Injunna," Hyuck said, pressed against his chest.

 _Injunna_ , Renjun repeated to himself. Donghyuck had always called him that, knowing it was how he liked to be called the most. It was things like that what made Renjun fall in love, it was Donghyuck always listening to him, always changing whatever made him unhappy. Donghyuck was unaware of it, but he always made Renjun feel at ease. 

"Mhhm?," Renjun didn't bother to open his eyes. If Donghyuck would had remained silent for three more seconds, he would had fallen asleep.

"When are you going to kiss me?"

Renjun heart stopped beating, and Donghyuck smiled, as he had clearly noticed because his head was right next to it.

"Mhhm?," he repeated, as if he wasn't aware of what the other had said seconds ago, as if his heart hadn’t stopped beating and as if he wasn’t about to pass out.

"Mhhm," Donghyuck imitated the sound.

Yes, it was happening. His best friend was asking Renjun to kiss him, and the only thing he said was _mhhm._ God, he deserved all the bad stuff that was happening to him.

"I can hear you overthinking."

Donghyuck head moved and was now facing Renjun, who still had his eyes closed. Renjun breathed in and out a few times before opening them, only to find Donghyuck looking straight at him. He wasn't trying to intimidate Renjun, his eyes were just sparkling instead, trying to understand what was going on in Renjun's head.

Sometimes, only sometimes, Donghyuck was just like that: so quiet he could easily hear Renjun's train of thoughts, and with a stare that could kill him if he wanted to, but he chose to soften everytime he was with Renjun, just to make him feel safe. 

And Donghyuck just stayed there, watching how Renjun's brain started to move, to reorganise everything that was inside it, before Renjun finally started to move.

Donghyuck's eyes were still fixed on Renjun's, who didn't look afraid anymore. The hand that he had on Hyuck's back went up, and he started running his fingers slowly through the younger’s hair. Renjun knew he had to take the first step, but too many things could go wrong. Before that, he had only been with two people, and that didn't even compare with Hyucks list. Oh God, he was overthinking again.

Renjun closed his eyes again.

Breathed in and out.

And he closed the distance between them, opening his eyes as he was on the last millimeters of this race that had taken him years to conquer.

Renjun cupped the younger's face with both hands and kissed him, slow, as if he was scared of Hyuck running away.

All this time Renjun had spent thinking about how kissing Donghyuck would feel were nothing compared to how it actually felt. Renjun heart started beating again, he could feel his blood rushing through his body at the speed of light, his cheeks were getting red, and his lips too. Donghyuck started sucking on his lips, biting into his lower one every time one of them reached out for air. He alternated between pecks and deep kisses, always leaving Renjun wanting more. 

Hyuck's hands traveled through Renjun’s chest, reaching his nape and bringing him closer. His lips, so soft on Renjun's mouth, were asking for more, and Renjun was more than willing to give him all.

It escalated way quicker than what Donghyuck had expected, Renjun was sure of it by the look on the younger’s face when, after kissing for a moment, Renjun was already on top of him, kissing and biting his neck.

Renjun had dreamed for too long about how having Hyuck’s hands on his hips would feel, how purple Hyuck’s neck would turn if he just sucked a little longer, how having Donghyuck moaning between kisses would make him feel. But Donghyuck stopped him, and Renjun was brought up into reality again, red cheeked and quite embarrassed of how quickly he had been turned on.

Renjun was still on top of Donghyuck, but sat to see what was wrong.

And Donghyuck just laughed, both their hairs were a mess, their lips swollen and their foreheads almost sweating.

"What?," Renjun acted oblivious of what had just happened, and reached for his phone in a way to avoid looking at Hyuck.

"We are on Jeno's bed, and as much as I love messing with him, I don't think this is right."

Renjun was ashamed, but he wouldn't lose an opportunity to tease Donghyuck.

"What? It was just a kiss," Renjun said, trying to look as innocent as ever.

"Yeah, that's not what your pants are saying."

"So you're looking at my dick," Renjun answered, coming closer to kiss him once again.

"I'm feeling it." 

They planned on keeping it a secret at first, but it wasn’t easy when they lived with other noisy teenagers. 

Jaemin realised they had kissed almost instantly, as he entered Renjun’s room that afternoon and found him looking _less angry than usual_. Yes, the only possibility of him being on a better mood, according to Jaemin, was him getting dick. And he wasn’t wrong, but Renjun wouldn't had admitted it that easily. 

Jeno just assumed it when he came back from riding his bike that day and they were asleep in his bed, cuddling, Hyuck’s shirt nowhere to be found. And yes, Hyuck didn’t usually wore a shirt to bed, Renjun augmented when Jeno asked about it later that day, but the way he was holding onto the younger wasn’t _how he would had hold Jeno if they would had been sleeping together_.

Jisung didn’t have to analyse it as much. Hyuck entered their room two days later and went for a kiss without thinking it twice, leaving a shocked maknae looking at them. “I hope you don’t try to play a Chandler and kiss me too, I’ve seen Friends,” Jisung said when Hyuck looked at him after realizing what he had just done. Chenle got the news right after. 

They spent the next week kissing every time they were left alone, or looking for somewhere to do so. They found themselves hiding in bathrooms and empty waiting rooms, going to _sleep_ way earlier than the rest, and taking walks by the river every afternoon they had off. But as much as he liked kissing Donghyuck, that wasn’t enough. 

> _fullsun:_
> 
> Johnny won't be home tonight, 
> 
> do you wanna hang at mine? 

_Hang,_ Renjun thought, _yeah sure._

> _injunna:_
> 
> Should I bring lube? 
> 
> _fullsun:_
> 
> O.O
> 
> _injunna:_
> 
> Or should I bring Jisung?
> 
> He has a new game he wants to show you
> 
> _fullsun:_
> 
> Lube sounds good

Renjun arrived at the hyungs dorm and was welcomed in by Johnny, who was going out but stayed to ask him a few questions only to make him nervous until Donghyuck showed up and flipped him off.

“Your room has changed since the last time I was here,” Renjun started talking, trying to get the conversation part out of the way, as Donghyuck closed the door behind him.

“Yeah, we bought speakers,” he realised just now that music had been on since he entered the room, “are we going to keep talking?”

Donghyuck raised his eyebrows as a smirk formed in his lips. They had been trying to find the right time to _get things to the next level_ for almost two weeks, they didn’t need to waste any more time. But Renjun was in for a game. 

It was their first time together, but they were too far gone to make it romantic. That wasn’t _their_ way of doing things either, so Hyuck just turned his computer chair around and asked Renjun to sit down. 

“You know I told you to bring lube,” Hyuck started as soon as Renjun sat down, coming closer to Renjun’s lips every word he said. 

“Yes.”

Renjun’s eyes were fixed on Donghyuck’s, but his hands were already on Donghyuck’s legs, as he pulled himself closer, ready to unfasten his belt. Renjun laughed when he saw the hem of Hyuck’s boxers, as they weren’t the usual black ones, but bright and colorful. 

“It’s a new pair,” Donghyuck said. “I put them on just for this occasion” 

“Ohh, you prepared.”

“Of course, I wanted to look good for you, babe.” 

Renjun didn’t need lingerie to be turned on, but Hyuck’s boxers were far from what he had in mind. 

Either way, Hyuck’s hands were faster than his and encircled his wrists, stopping him from going further into his pants. Renjun looked at him, confused, wondering if he was maybe going too far. But, after all, what would the lube be for if that wasn’t what Hyuck was trying to get from him that night?

“Don’t be so impatient,” Donghyuck said, smiling at how Renjun reacted. He let his wrists go, only to walk around him and caress Renjun’s arms until he was holding both of his hands.

“What are you doing?,” Renjun asked when he heard Hyuck kneeling down behind him, too impatient to deal with his games any longer. Maybe he wasn’t in for a game after all. 

“You brought the lube, and I brought something too.”

The feeling of something, that definitely wasn’t Donghyuck’s hand, over his left wrist startled him. Yes, Donghyuck was handcuffing him behind his back. 

“I know we haven’t discussed this,” Donghyuck continued, standing up after his objective was accomplished, “and you can call it out any moment you want.” 

“Hmmm,” was the only thing that Renjun’s brain was able to formulate. 

“But I thought it could be fun, and I kind of dreamt of seeing you like this.” 

“Okay,” Renjun said as Donghyuck started to untie the waist of his pants. Yes, he came wearing sweatpants, as he wasn’t planning on keeping them on for that long anyway, “but you forgot one thing” 

“What?” Renjun raised t his hips for Donghyuck to take his pants off. 

“You haven’t taken my shirt off.” 

“Oh, babe,” he said, while starting to sit in his lap, facing the older, thighs over the arm chairs to avoid crushing him, “that’s been the plan all along.” 

And finally they started kissing, Renjun’s lips were tired of waiting to taste Donghyuck’s, he had been thinking about this very moment since that day in Jeno’s bed. 

Between kisses, Hyuck’s hands were doing god’s work too, one covering his neck, while the other started to go down his shirt. Being between his thighs, unable to touch him back was making Renjun nervous, but also turning him on. Renjun was at his mercy, and Hyuck seemed to love that.

Donghyuck’s lips tasted like honey and sin at the same time. Kissing Hyuck was like that: sweet but rushed, his body always telling Renjun that having him close wasn’t enough. Renjun didn’t know if it was because of his teenage-like needs or if it was because Donghyuck had always made him feel like he was at the right place every single time.

It was their first time together, but it wasn’t Donghyuck’s first time wrapping himself around someone else. He knew what he was doing, he knew what his touch was causing in Renjun. His hand ran through his hair, pulling them away and separating their lips to give Renjun a chance to get some air, as his lips went to Renjun’s jaw instead, kissing all the way up to his ear. 

“You have no idea how much I waited for this,” he said, voice low and raspy. 

“Please, untie me,” Renjun said, as the desire of touching him back invaded every corner of his body. 

“Not yet, you have to earn it.” 

Donghyuck’s grip on Renjun’s hair tightened as his other hand traveled down Renjun’s torso and over his pants, feeling his erection and teasing him while looking straight into his eyes. 

“You’ll be good, right?”, he asked, and Renjun nodded, trying to convince Hyuck to end the suffering he was putting him under. 

Renjun breathed in as Donghyuck’s hand went into his underwear, pushing his head back into the chair, leaving his neck exposed for Donghyuck’s mouth to taste. He found himself panting as Hyuck stroked his dick, bringing Renjun to an ecstasy he hadn’t been able to reach before with anyone else. 

Donghyuck started fast, moving his hand over Renjun’s dick, but slowed his pace when he heard Renjun’s breath accelerate. He was testing his limits, getting to know how Renjun’s body worked, as the older was trying to hold himself from finishing too fast. Renjun had been waiting for this for a long time too, and he wasn’t about to let it end that fast. 

As Renjun opened his eyes, which he hadn’t realized had closed, he saw Donghyuck’s watching him, he saw fire and desire, but also so much fondness. Renjun leaned forward to meet his mouth and kissed him, gasping and wanting to come closer, even when their bodies were already pressed against each other.

“I want to make you feel good too,” he said, out of breath, when Hyuck’s hand started going faster up and down his dick. “God, Hyuck, please” 

“You can do that later,” Hyuck answered, taking his hand off Renjun’s pants, “we have all the time in the world, well, or at least until tomorrow.” 

Donghyuck liked it way too much, teasing and joking and making him beg for it. And Renjun was ready to give him everything he wanted, if Hyuck wanted him to beg, he would had done it all night. 

But he didn’t ask for any of that. 

“Right now,” Donghyuck said while getting off the chair, “you’re gonna stay right there and behave”

“I’m tied to the chair”, Renjun answered, mocking Hyuck’s intents of bossing him around, but also loving it, a lot.

“Stop, or I’ll cover your mouth too”

Renjun obeyed and limited himself to watch, his dick pressed against his belly. Donghyuck reached to take the lube from one of the drawers on the computer desk. 

“Why did you ask me to-?” Renjun started but stopped again by the second, pressing his lips as a way to show Hyuck he wouldn’t talk again. 

“Maybe this one won't be enough,” he answered as he took his pants off. Renjun couldn’t help but stare at Donghyuck’s dick, already hardening against his boxers. “Yes,” Hyuck added, taking off his boxers too, “it’s sad but we’ll have to let this masterpiece go too”.

Renjun laughed, Donghyuck had really came to fuck him wearing space cats boxers. 

Once the younger had taken his boxers off, he crawled back into Renjun’s lap and started groping his body against Renjun’s erection, slowly, trying to avoid going too far. And as Donghyuck opened the bottle of lube and poured some on his hand, he started talking again. 

“I’ll prep myself just for you,” he said, gaze fixed on Renjun’s eyes.

It didn’t take him much, but Renjun took that time to get a taste of Hyuck’s neck, as he wasn’t able to taste his dick. Renjun kissed and bit into it, leaving purple marks all over Hyuck’s clavicles too.

Renjun didn't know how many fingers in he was, but Donghyuck's face showed so much pleasure, and Renjun was mad he wasn't the one causing it.

But soon after, as if Donghyuck could sense how sexually stressed Renjun was, Renjun felt how Hyuck’s hand, covered in lube, wrapped itself around Renjun’s dick, getting him ready, thumb circling around the tip of it. Renjun took a deep breath, as to avoid begging him to stop teasing him.

And as Renjun exhaled, Donghyuck's hand guided his cock into him just a bit, and waited for Renjun's reaction. Seeing that everything was okay, Donghyuck let Renjun in deeper, slowly, as a moan came out of his own mouth.

Renjun found himself admiring how Donghyuck acted everytime he went lower, how Hyuck’s jaw tensed and his chest deflated. He stayed still until Hyuck's face gave him permission to start moving, as the other rested his hands on the end of each armchair, holding himself up.

Renjun started thrusting into his hole, feeling how his walls tensed against his dick, how the warmth shattered him to pieces and put him up together again. He went deeper every time, but Donghyuck had allowed him to pace the occasion, and he wasn't going to give it to him that fast.

Or at least that's what he thought, because once Donghyuck’s moans started to rise, Renjun knew he wasn’t going to be able to slow down. He thrusted into him, picking up his rhythm every time his name would come out of Hyuck's mouth.

They both were gasping for air when Donghyuck brought himself back to Renjun's lips and his hands to the older's chest, trying to calm him down. 

"I'll work now, you deserve it," he said, cupping Renjun's face and kissing him slowly, exploring everywhere with his tongue, while his hips went down again, and again, and again.

When their breathing wasn't human anymore, but a set of moans and groans and some small crying too, Donghyuck came even lower.

"Come for me, please," Hyuck groaned, as he licked Renjun’s earlobe, bringing him to madness.

And that was all it took for Renjun to reach his climax, exploding inside Donghyuck, fingernails pressing hard against the palm of his own hands behind his back. Donghyuck didn't stay still, but kept thrusting himself into Renjun's dick, slowly.

“God, Injunna, your face, you’re so damn pretty,” their foreheads were now pressed against each other’s, “Has anybody ever told you how pretty you are when you’re coming undone?”

An unconscious moan came out of Renjun mouth, he was a sucker for compliments, he loved when people told him how good he was in bed. And he loved it even more when it came out of Donghyuck’s mouth. 

"Baby, please," Renjun said, watching Hyuck’s hard dick untouched between them, "let me touch you"

Donghyuck shushed him out with an sloppy kiss and pushed Renjun's arms to the sides, "you were never fully tied up" he said, while a mischievous smile filled his lips.

Renjun freed himself from the handcuffs way more easily than he had imagined it to be, Donghyuck hadn't even closed them all the way. He was going to punish him later, but as of right now, the only thing he could think of was lying between them.

One of Renjun's hands wrapped Donghyuck's cock instantly, while the other traveled from his inner thigh to his balls, testing how far he would need to go for Donghyuck to finally cum on him.

They started kissing again, Renjun's swollen dick was still inside Donghyuck, who had been slowly thrusting down for a minute.

"You always treat me so good," Renjun said looking straight at him while stroking his dick, small gasps leaving Donghyuck’s mouth, unable to hold them in.

Renjun watched how Donghyuck reacted with every stroke, he changed the rhythm everytime Hyuck looked like he was about to come. Renjun hand started moving slower, and Hyuck went back to Renjun’s lips, only for him to start moving faster as Hyuck’s moans came out by Renjun’s mouth between kisses. 

"You are a really good boy."

And just like that, Donghyuck was coming between them, bringing his head back as his dick tensed in Renjun's hand. Caressing the tip of his cock with one hand, Renjun brought his other hand to Hyuck’s mouth, and he sucked onto Renjun’s thumb until his orgasm was over. 

Renjun pulled his thumb out once their breaths slowed down and used it to wipe some of Hyuck’s cum that was near his face. Renjun took it into his own mouth, without breaking eye contact with Donghyuck, who was now a breathless hot mess. And just like that, they were now kissing, softly, when Renjun added, "God, you are such a good boy."

And maybe they both had a praise kink after all.

But happiness didn't last long.

A few months later, it was friday and Renjun's hands were swollen by the cold weather that had came over Seoul that last week. He was sitting on the same bench they ate before their first kiss, waiting for Donghyuck to bring food over again. Renjun had called him, asked him to met there, and Donghyuck accepted, dying to know why his boyfriend had been avoiding him for the last two weeks.

It hadn’t been an easy decision to make, Renjun knew that from the countless nights he had spent awake the last few weeks, even before he started avoiding Donghyuck. But he also knew that there was no other choice but to do it. So he sat there, ready to start the conversation as soon as Hyuck came back.

"I need to tell you something," he started before allowing himself to back up.

The sunset wasn't pink this time, but a boring shade of dark blue.

"I know, what's going on?," Donghyuck asked while starting to eat his ramen.

Donghyuck had been nothing but patient with him, always aware when he needed space to be alone, and was doing the same thing that time: letting Renjun talk, giving him space to say whatever that had been troubling him, that had kept him from sleeping. But what Donghyuck didn't know was that he was causing all of it.

"We can't be together anymore," Renjun said and Donghyuck’s chopsticks stopped halfway to his mouth, "you are going away way too often and even if we love each other I can't do that anymore."

"Okay..."

"I know this is insane but you need to be able to go away and tour places and see the world without having to worry about how I'm doing back home. It will just tear us apart and it won't be good for the group if we are like that."

"I don't worry about what you do at home when I'm not with you," Donghyuck answer was filled with pain.

"I don't mean it like that, I know we trust each other, but you always worry if I'm doing okay and calling me and stressing about me when all you should be doing is thinking about performing and doing good yourself."

"So you are saying that we should break up because we love and care for each other?"

Donghyuck laughed, and yes, it was stupid, but it was also the right thing to do. They were a group before they were together, and if things ended wrong between them it would cost everyone a lot more.

"I have been thinking about it for the past month, and I think this is the best option."

"But we love each other."

"Yes, Donghyuck, we love each other, but sometimes that's not enough for things to work out. We should've known that before starting all of this."

"Do you have feelings for someone else?," Hyuck's voice cracked in between, and Renjun laughed.

"Hyuck, I'm telling you that I love you, but I can't keep doing this anymore."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, Renjun, do you really spent weeks thinking this? You are breaking up with me because you love me? What the fuck, dude."

"I know." Renjun voice was almost inaudible, his food untouched in his lap was getting cold, as well as his whole body.

"I love you, god, I don't understand what's going on. I wanna be with you, why can we just be together? We don't need to be _boyfriends_ if that's what scares you, we can just _be_ together."

"That's not the problem, can't you see it? I'm scared that if we keep doing this we won't be able to go back once things go wrong. Hyuck, you are my best friend, you have been my best friend way longer that any other I had before, I don't want to lose everything if we ever fight."

"We don't fight."

"Yes, we do."

"Yes, but they are never over important stuff."

"And what if they out us? what if they catch us slipping and we ruin everything for ourselves and our friends careers at the same time?"

"God, you're talking nonsense but I love you, and I want what's best for you, so even if I don't think you're doing the right thing I guess we can break up if that's what you want."

“I’m sorry,” Renjun said, tears starting to go through his cheeks, “I’m not okay, I haven’t been in a while.” 

“It’s okay.” Donghyuck’s eyes were fixed on the river that felt colder than ever that day.

And as the sun was setting, Renjun felt himself letting the darkness of the night in, and this time he was dark black, no trace of purple anywhere.

That was how their relationship ended, both too in love with each other to care for themselves in the first place. And that was why Renjun broke things up, but that wasn’t what he said to Donghyuck.

Since they started dating, if that was what they would call to having sex and hide in their dorms for months, Renjun had thought of nothing but Donghyuck. Renjun had started to think about him more than he ever thought about himself, and even if sex was good, losing himself in the process wasn't a good idea.

Renjun hadn't realised it until Jeno called him out.

"You know what you are doing, right?," Jeno said one day, as they were the last two in the living room after watching a movie.

"What?" He didn't bother on taking his eyes off the phone in his hands.

"Have you been drawing lately?"

"Not really."

"What about reading? Did you find any new books you like?"

"No... Jeno, what's up?"

He was paying attention now, after leaving his phone, screen facing down, on the couch.

"You haven't done anything that makes you happy in the past few weeks."

"I have been doing Donghyuck."

Renjun could see how disappointed Jeno was just by looking at his eyes, but he thought he was just tired of Renjun not taking him seriously.

"Renjun, stop playing around."

"You stop playing around."

If Jeno wasn't going to be straightforward with him, he could just go back to sexting Donghyuck up on his phone, and that was what he tried to do before Jeno tossed it away.

"Renjun, I wouldn't be starting this conversation if I wasn't actually worried about you."

"Why are you worried about me?," Renjun was getting loud. "I'm okay, what do you mean?"

"Keep your voice down, please."

Renjun just stared at him, killing him with just his gaze.

"You haven't done anything that makes you happy in the past few weeks and you know that. You haven't been drawing, or painting, or reading, or even playing games. The only thing you do all day is wait for the moment Donghyuck texts you. It shouldn't be like that."

"We are in love," Renjun answered, his voice starting to break. "Why would I need to do anything else if being with him is enough?"

"You are your own person, Renjun, you don't need to stop your life to be with someone else. And I love Donghyuck too, you know that. But you stopped everything when he left for tour, waiting for him to come back, as if your only purpose in life is to be with him."

"You don't have a boyfriend, you don't understand."

But he knew Jeno did, and that Jeno was the only one brave enough to confront him about it.

Renjun had put his life on pause every time Donghyuck left, doing barely nothing until he was back in Donghyuck’s arms. And at first it was reasonable, or at least that's what he thought. After all that time waiting to be with him, sharing every single second with Donghyuck was the only way he found to make up for it. But after a few months, Donghyuck started to leave for longer and Renjun stayed and waited and wished for him to comeback.

In the back of his mind, in a place where Renjun was too scared to go, he knew Jeno was right, and, as he saw Hyuck face lit up on his phone screen all across the room, he broke down.

"Renjun," Jeno said as he saw the first tear coming down Renjun’s cheek. "I wasn't trying to make you cry, I just wanted to help."

Jeno got closer to him and hugged him, tight, trying to keep together all the pieces Renjun was breaking into.

"It's not your fault. We never know how we would react to such things," he tried to comfort Renjun.

"I know, but I can't believe it, I just love him, why can things just work out?"

"I don't know, I just know they sometimes don’t."

"Maybe I can just learn to love him right," Renjun thought, as if it would be the easiest thing in the world.

"You need to love _yourself_ right."

And that night, after that talk he had with Jeno, when he got into his bed alone, for the first time in weeks, Renjun didn't call Hyuck back.

One month after realizing what he was going through, Renjun went to the river with Donghyuck and broke things up. And he kept going.Every week he would go to that bench and watch the sunset, trying to see if the darkness kept filling him up

It took him weeks to finally tell Donghyuck what the real problem was, why was he _actually_ breaking up with him for. And it sucked, Renjun hated feeling powerless, feeling like his life wasn't his anymore. But Donghyuck loved him, and he understood, and that day he left Renjun a note that was still on his bedside table, a note Renjun would go back to everytime he was unsure of the choices he had taken.

> _we both know that we are meant to be together_
> 
> _but this isn't how love is supposed to feel_
> 
> _you're an amazing person,_
> 
> _and my best friend since we were 16_
> 
> _i want you to feel okay_
> 
> _i want us to feel okay_
> 
> _-fullsun_

And time went by, comebacks were made, awards were won and Renjun still wasn’t feeling okay, but he was working on it. He had been thinking about his life and about work and everything he had been doing since he became an idol. And it was a lot, there had been amazing times, and awful times, and regular times, but everything could be worked on, he was sure of it, even if it took some time.

And he started fucking Donghyuck again, after realising the problem was him and not Hyuck. They had talked about it and they both agreed that sex was great, and that they loved each other -but just as friends-, and that they could go back to fucking if they were feeling like it.

And Renjun had been sending out emails for a while.

And his penpal turned to be really nice and quite helpful too, so he kept sending him stuff and trying to avoid talking about his feelings in real life not to worry his friends any longer, but everything went absolutely wrong.

And Renjun woke up covered in Donghyuck's body for the fifth time in a row. He hadn't left Renjun alone since the first day he came into the room uninvited.

When Renjun was alone, he could see how time was passing around him, as he closed the blinds at 1p.m to go to sleep because he hadn't been able to sleep at night. On other days, he would simply lay in bed watching the sun go all the way up and down, again and again.

Now, with Donghyuck by his side, Renjun let himself be taken care of, even if it was only by being held a little bit tighter than usual. He had been with Donghyuck for so long now he started to think that maybe it was a good idea to open up to him, to tell him what the problem was.

But it had been weeks since he received the message, and Renjun wasn't going to write his _friend_ again, but he wouldn't tell anyone either if the guy hadn't done anything with the information in weeks.

After overthinking for hours, Renjun came to the conclusion that it wasn’t necessary to open up, so he limited himself to make Donghyuck happy. Renjun started leaving bed at a reasonable hour in the morning, even if he hadn’t slept at night, he started having all his meals and going to bed at night. But he was acting out, he was just trying to maintain the peace in the dorm, as his eyebags darkened and his waist shrinked. He was still worried, but you had to fake it until you make it, right? 

Soon after, Renjun went out again, everyone in the dorm watching him as he exited the front door. It wasn't anything new for him, as they all had been watching him from a careful distance for weeks. They seemed happy to see him taking care of his health again though. 

The Han River looked amazing that afternoon, fresh air went through his hair as he closed his eyes trying to inhale as much as possible. He felt his chest rise and fall a few times. He had missed it. 

Renjun hadn’t came to _the bench_ in weeks. He had been trying to avoid thinking about his break up too. It’s been months, but sometimes he wished things could had been different. 

Overlooking how the sun met the water, sitting there again, Renjun started thinking not only about Donghyuck, but all his friends as well. 

In the second week after _the message_ , could had been at midday or midnight Renjun wasn’t sure, Jeno knocked on Renjun’s door. 

“I brought you some stuff,” Jeno said as he came into the room and emptied his hands on the bed. 

“You need to stop bringing everything you find into my room, I am not good-will.”

“Oh, Renjun, c’mon, we just want to cheer you up.” 

Renjun sighed, but analysed what was on the bed while Jeno just sat there, waiting for another sarcastic comment. 

“Thank you,” Renjun said instead.

His answer took Jeno by surprise and his eyesmile lighted up the whole room. 

“It’s okay. I brought you this.” Jeno showed him the book with a girl on the cover Renjun had seen him reading before. “I told you I was going to give it to you but forgot about it. Oh, and the humidifier. I know you have one but I changed scents for you to be comfortable when you used to crash at mine and, since you aren’t coming anymore, I’ll just brought it to you instead. You can give it back the next time you come by.” 

“Thank you,” Renjun repeated and picked the book up, starting to look through it. 

Several minutes later, Jeno was still sitting there. He knew Jeno wanted to start a conversation, but Renjun wasn’t going to be the first to talk. 

“What did he said to you?,” Jeno finally asked, hands pressed between his legs. 

“Who? Donghyuck?”

“No, the guy from the emails.” Yes, Jeno was about to start _that_ conversation. “I saw your screen lit up that day, and I know it was probably bad because you wouldn’t have reacted like that if it wasn’t.” 

“You were looking through my phone?” Renjun tried to change the topic but Jeno’s gaze told him that wasn’t a good idea.

“I wasn’t, I only saw the notification,” Jeno explained slowly, as a way for Renjun to finally put his walls down, “and you started acting even worse than before so I just assumed something bad happened between you and him.” 

“He told me he knew who I was.” 

Jeno choked and started coughing. 

“Yes, but he hasn’t done anything in weeks so I’m starting to think it was just a lie.”

“Did you respond?” 

“No.”

“Okay, let’s just keep it that way.” 

Jeno left after agreeing he wouldn’t tell anyone unless things got serious. They were already serious, but they both tried to give it a chance, hoping it was nothing. 

And for the next few days, Renjun kept the humidifier on. 

Jeno had always been like that, Renjun thought as sun went down the horizo. He had always cared about Renjun’s well being, even before their whole career started. Jeno wanted to see Renjun happy, he wanted Renjun to be able to express his feelings to his friends, even if Jeno himself wasn’t a good example at doing that. He always made sure to let Renjun know they were a family first, idols second. And Renjun’s real family was really far away, so he shouldn’t had been pushing away his new one too. 

It didn’t take long before Renjun’s mind went straight to Donghyuck, about the way Donghyuck called him crying only two weeks after they broke things up. Renjun hadn’t been honest with Donghyuck, and it was starting to get to him. 

The younger was facetiming him drunk, as he had done the night Renjun was jealous but still waited for him. Renjun wasn’t going to pick up this time, but he did.

"Injunna,” Hyuck said as soon as he saw Renjun on the screen.

“Are you okay?” Donghyuck’s face was red and swollen, he wasn’t crying at that very moment, but Renjun could see by his eyeliner he had been until moments ago. “Where are you?” 

“I’m at some party.” The camera flipped showing a big garden and, while his face wasn’t being shown, Donghyuck added, “I don’t want to bother you, I just wanted to hear your voice.” 

“Hyuck…” 

“I know.” There was a small silence and Renjun wished the call was over. “It’s just that I don’t understand. And I have been trying to understand it for a while because my heart still skips a beat everytime my phone rings, thinking it’s you”

“Hyuck…”

Renjun didn’t know what to say, so he just stayed there, silent, still watching the empty garden through his phone.

“Why are you by yourself? Isn’t that supposed to be a party?”

“I just came out to get some air and couldn’t get up after sitting in this weird hanging chair.” 

Renjun laughed. He missed Donghyuck way too much, but he wasn’t going to change his mind. 

“Are you overthinking again?,” Hyuck asked seconds later. He didn’t sound mad, but like he was about to start crying any moment instead. “Why do you still care? Are you doing all this on purpose? Why did you broke up with me in the first place? To be with someone else? You said you still loved me.”

The pain in Donghyuck’s voice felt like a dagger was being pulled to his heart. Renjun hated himself for loving Donghyuck in the first place, and for letting Donghyuck love him back. 

When he broke things up, Renjun was thinking about himself first, putting himself as the priority. And even if he knew it would hurt Donghyuck in the process, Renjun did it anyway. For himself. He needed to love himself _right_ first. And although he was choosing himself over Donghyuck, Renjun had tried to make sure Hyuck knew he hadn’t done anything wrong. 

“Donghyuck, you know it’s not that. We’ve talked about it.”

“Then tell me how to change your mind, Injunna, please.” 

“You can’t, I’m sorry.”

Renjun hung up right after, as Donghyuck wasn’t in a good headspace to talk about it. Though they hadn’t been looking at each other, Renjun knew how bad Donghyuck was feeling, and it was all his fault. Donghyuck hadn’t done anything wrong, it was Renjun the one that couldn’t manage to be in a healthy relationship. 

Time went by before they talked about it again. They had been attending schedules together, acting as if nothing was wrong in front of their fans, but when the cameras were off and the doors were closed, they avoided each other at all costs. Renjun wanted to let Donghyuck move on, he deserved it after all. 

And when Donghyuck entered his room and quickly locked the door behind him, Renjun knew it was time. 

“We need to talk.” Donghyuck didn’t look miserable anymore, he looked put together, like he had recovered the light in his eyes. “We are adults even if we don’t look like it.” 

Renjun laughed, but crossed his legs while sitting on his computer chair and extended his hand inviting Donghyuck to sit on his bed. 

“I prepared a speech, it’s all in my head so don’t interrupt me, please,” Hyuck said as he sat on the edge of the bed, hands on his knees that didn’t seem were planning to stay still, “I know I said we are adults and I’ve been trying to act like one my whole life but I’m still a kid, and I felt like you took away my favorite toy. And no, I’m not trying to dehumanize you or anything, but your friendship was one of the best things I had and then you loved me too and I felt so fucking great, but then you took it all away and I can’t help but think the problem is me. That you don’t want to be with me because I’m not enough for you, or because you like somebody else. And I know you don’t need to tell me your reasons and that we based our relationship in mutual trust but I can’t help it, it’s eating me alive.” 

Donghyuck didn’t look Renjun in the eyes, they were fixed on a corner of the room instead. But Renjun was looking straight at him, trying to see how to react, how to let him know he wasn’t at fault. Renjun hadn’t been honest with him, it was Renjun’s fault. It was Renjun who didn’t know how to be in a relationship without turning his whole life into it. 

And Donghyuck was still a kid, but a kid that had had to act as an adult even before becoming an idol. He was the hyung in his family, having to take care of his little siblings when he was asked to. And then, at only thirteen, he came into an industry that demanded him to grow up way too fast. He had never had the chance to cry over stupid boys in school at fourteen or hide in his room because he had been abandoned by his boyfriend at seventeen. Everything was happening to him at once now. But he couldn’t go to his room and cry himself to sleep, he had to still attend his schedules and his dancing lessons and he had to act as an adult once again, everything while seeing the one that broke his heart almost every single day. 

Renjun still loved Donghyuck, with his whole heart, he had been his best friend for years, his _soulmate_ , so he decided it was time to come clean. 

“Hyuck, you know I love you, and I understand what you are going through. I never thought I’d had to break up with you, but I wasn’t okay. I’m still not okay. I haven’t told you before because I wanted to fix it myself, because it’s not your fault, and I knew you would feel guilty about it. But you aren’t the problem. You have never been, I thought I was clear about it that day on the bench.”

Donghyuck’s eyes were now on Renjun’s, his legs started to slow down with every word Renjun was saying. 

“I know I told you that I was breaking up with you because you were worrying about me too much, but you weren’t, you just were being a good, caring boyfriend. The problem was me. I started to let myself go. Every time you would go somewhere, I just stayed home, waiting for you to come back, waiting for you to text back, and I stopped doing what made me happy,” Rejun felt his eyes starting to fill with tears. “And I didn’t even notice until one night Jeno asked me about it. Everyone saw what was happening, but he was the only one brave enough to talk to me about it. And everything came crashing down, and I didn’t want it to crush you too in the process, so I thought the best thing was to break things up. I love you, so damn much, but I needed to put myself first, and that’s what I did. I know it’s not your fault. Never in a million years think it is, because it’s not.”

Renjun was crying, he wasn’t about to fake it again. He had been heartbroken for a long time, he had to keep everything in for too long, and it was all coming out in waves now, tears running down his cheeks. 

Donghyuck held his hand out for Renjun to hold it, and that’s what he did. Renjun held Hyuck’s hand and the wheels on the chair he was sitting pulled them closer, bringing him to a hug both for sure needed. 

Donghyuck’s hand ran through Renjun’s hair, comforting him. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Yes, Renjun had just admitted it was his fault and Donghyuck was still apologizing.

“It’s not your fault,” Renjun said again.

“I know, but I should’ve been a better boyfriend, I should’ve noticed how you were feeling.” 

“You couldn’t have,” Renjun insisted. “Every time I spent with you, I was the happier person alive.”

“I’m sorry,” Donghyuck said again, kissing his forehead, “you deserve to be okay.”

And now Renjun was sitting on that stupid bench, watching the stupid sunset, feeling hopeless once again.

He took his phone out of his pocket to take a picture, because even if the mood was awful, he could still appreciate a good sunset. He moved the picture to a folder he created a while ago, when he decided to start collecting photos every time he would go there to watch the sunset. The first one was from _that_ day, and there were a lot more. 

Renjun found himself looking over them again, as he read the days they had been taken on. It was crazy how the ugliest sunset could had happened at the best days, and vice versa. One of the most boring ones belonged to the day Donghyuck said he loved him for the first time, and the most beautiful one till this day was the one he just captured, when he was feeling absolutely empty inside. 

After organizing his pictures, he checked the notifications he had got since he left the dorm. There were messages on the Dream group chat, private messages from Jaemin asking how he was doing, and an email from his manager. He opened it. 

It was a congratulations kind-of-email. It had been on the making for a while, since Jisung suggested Renjun would be a good radio DJ to their managers. Renjun wasn’t sure about it, but it was an opportunity and he wouldn’t say _no_ before knowing if he was capable of getting the job. So his manager pulled some strings and they had been waiting for a response since then. 

Renjun got the job, he would be a radio DJ every night of the week. He would read other people’s stories and tell his own, and they would listen to music, and talk about stuff, and he would be able to do something on his own, as Huang Renjun, for what it felt like the first time. 

Renjun was happy. He felt like he was getting his life together after a long time. And as he already had his inbox opened on his phone, he decided to write _him_ again. 

> **23yellowavatars@xxxx.com to** [ **snr2015@xxxx.com** ](mailto:snr2015@xxxx.com)
> 
> _then who am I?_

Renjun was being impulsive, he knew that, but he was tired of waiting for things to get better. Maybe he should just act on his own and get them fixed himself, he thought. What he didn’t thought was that he was about to get an answer way faster than he expected. 

He heard the sound iPhones make every time they have a new email, but it wasn’t coming from his own. Someone sat on the bench right next to him, hoodie over their head and a small package on their hands. They took their phone out and, after a while, Renjun phone was the one liting up. 

> [ **snr2015@xxxx.com** ](mailto:snr2015@xxxx.com) **to 23yellowavatars@xxxx.com**
> 
> _i’m sorry, please don’t hate me_

Renjun stared at his phone, and at the man -because he was too tall to be a woman- sitting next to him, and at his phone again. It couldn’t be a coincidence. 

> **23yellowavatars@xxxx.com to** [ **snr2015@xxxx.com** ](mailto:snr2015@xxxx.com)
> 
> _what?_

He sent, and watched as the man’s phone lited up on his lap.

“You have to be kidding me,” Renjun said and he stood up from the bench. “I can’t believe it!” 

Renjun was screaming at him, in a tone that could had pierced even the strongest of hearts. And he saw him take his hood off. 

“I’m sorry, I never intended to make you miserable.” 

“Are you crazy? Didn’t you see me for the last month or so? Why are you doing this now?” 

People were starting to look at them, so Renjun lowered his voice and pulled the hood of his coat over his head. 

“I’m sorry,” the other answered, voice cracking as he started crying. 

“Jisung, why haven’t you told me it was you before?” 

His friend was sobbing already, and Renjun couldn’t help it but come closer and hug him. 

“I was scared you would scold me for losing my book and talking to stranger. I never thought I would make you feel so miserable, hyung, I’m so sorry.” 

“God, Jisung, I’ve been thinking I ruined our careers for a month. You saw how I was doing, why didn’t you tell me sooner?” 

Renjun wasn’t angry, the only emotion his voice was showing was pure disappointment and Jisung could sense it. 

It took Jisung about half an hour and an ice-cream to stop crying, but he finally did. They were still sitting in the bench when Jisung remembered the package he had brought. 

“You know you never opened the gift I bought for you a while ago? The one I left on your bed before we had cereal at four a.m. I thought you did and were mad at me, but then I went to your room to check on you, too scared to say anything, and saw it on the same place I left it. It was still there today, so I took it back.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Renjun said receiving the small thing with both hands. “I forgot about it, I wasn’t having a good time.” 

“I know, hyung, don’t worry. I just hoped you had opened it sooner.” 

Renjun ripped the paper, as it was bad luck -like he could possibly got any more of it- to keep the wrapping paper of a gift untouched, and he saw it. 

“It’s the same book you found,” Jisung started explaining, “I thought it would be a good idea if you’d read it again, but without my notes all over the place.”

Renjun ran out of words, he just sat there watching the book on his hands. 

“And I thought it would had been be a good way to let you know it was me who you were talking to, but you didn’t open it that day, and I started to get scared you would hate me if you knew.”

“Oh, Jisung, I could never hate you.” 

“I’m sorry, I wanted to tell you since the day I realised it was you.”

“When did you realised it? it was my email what gave me away, right?” Renjun asked, curiosity showing in his voice.

“I thought you liking avatar was the first string, but there are a lot of people who likes it after all. But when you started talking about the lack of activities you were having, I just went through your bag to check if my book was there. And it was. But at first I just kept it to myself because you were opening up, and I had been watching you for so long, I was worried about you, hyung. When you broke up with Donghyuck I thought you would never be happy again.”

“But it’s not your job to make me happy, Jisung. I’m really grateful you care about me, but you are a kid, you don’t need to be worrying about it.” 

Renjun held Jisung’s hand and tried to make the younger feel okay. 

“I want you to be happy, always. You deserve to be.” Jisung was crying again. “And manager hyung told me the radio thing worked out. I’m so happy for you.” 

“Okay, Jisung,” Renjun laughed and started whipping Jisung’s tears away. “You need to stop crying. I’ve been working on it, I’m starting to do better, you know that. You are a good friend, like a little brother to me, please be happy too.”

“I’m moving into your room.” 

“What?” 

“You can’t keep ignoring us forever, I’ll sleep there like last year, I’ll be your happy pill.” 

“There’s no way. And wait, didn’t you tell me you were falling in love with your best friend?” 

Jisung laughed, but didn’t answer his question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just for the fun of it, [hyuck's boxers](https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcQVdN6oDEbrsRIM8GZH6FsKOurfZhtItnsQU8N1kutjQfjl5BhV&usqp=CAU)
> 
> okay, we reached the end. This is the first fic i've ever written in english so i'm happy someone took the time to read it, even if some abandoned it halfway. 
> 
> i wasn't going to write this part of the story at first but, as i wrote the first chapter, i felt the need to write how renhyuck fell in love and how did Renjun end up in the headspace he was at the beginning of this fic. 
> 
> thank you so much for reading and i'm sorry for making renjun suffer so much, i just wanted to write something that showed how important he is to all his friends and how they're all too whipped to let him be miserable alone. 
> 
> who did you think his friend was? did you guess it right? please let me know. I had so much fun telling the story to my friends and hearing their hypotesis about who he was (nobody guessed it right haha). i just think rensung is so wholesome, i needed to make him his penpal.
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/_renjaune_)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/_renjaune_)


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